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Answering your questions.

Here are some answers to questions we have received in the past from our survivor community. We hope these answers can help survivors, advocates, and the general public learn more about trauma and survivor healing.

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Making sense of childhood experiences
Understanding specific types of trauma and harm
Making sense of adult experiences
Managing emotions and how you feel in your body
Seeking help after trauma
Understanding and embracing healing
Meaning Making
How to support survivors and be an ally
Sharing your story with others
Sex, sexuality, and intimacy after trauma
Understanding Trauma & Violence
Navigating relationships after trauma
Managing Trauma Impact
Seeking Help After Trauma
Making sense of childhood experiences

Is it still sexual assault if I was told by an adult to send nude photos of myself, even if it was only over text?

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Making sense of childhood experiences
Understanding specific types of trauma and harm

Is it still sexual assault if it's the same gender? I'm female, and another female always says sexual things to me and about my body. Worse, she's been touching and gripping my thighs very high up while we're in class. Recently she threw her hand back and touched my private area. I just found out this is called sexual assault, as I thought only rape was sexual assault. I need answers please.

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Making sense of childhood experiences
Understanding specific types of trauma and harm

Could something be grooming if I didn't feel emotionally connected to the person who did it? I have a family member who, when I was a young teen and he was in his 30s, did inappropriate things to me. I never wanted any of it, but I didn't confront him and let it continue until he stopped. He was unusually nice to me. My mom told me he said I was his favorite family member, and during celebrations, he gives me more money than others, which makes me feel guilty or indebted. My friend suggested his behavior was grooming - isolating me, presenting himself positively, testing boundaries, escalating behavior, and normalizing inappropriate actions. We had a normal relationship after he stopped, but he's starting to scare me again, and I think he might have inappropriately touched me recently. I'm unsure if this can be grooming since I don't feel emotionally close to him. I feel indebted and don't feel I have the right to refuse him.

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Managing emotions and how you feel in your body

I'm experiencing severe flashbacks that make it difficult to even shower without feeling like others are touching me. I feel afraid around men and my sister, and I'm constantly worried about being objectified. The stress has led me to relapse into self-harm after being clean for about a year. Do you have any advice to help me feel better? I need someone to tell me it's going to be okay.

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Sharing your story with others

I went through a sexual assault a few months ago and I'm having a really hard time dealing with it on my own. I want to tell my friends what happened because I think that it would make it feel less shameful. I'm worried that if I tell them, they will stress over it all the time or that it will ruin their day or week, and I can't get past that fear. How do you go about telling a friend something like this without having them worry too much about you and your situation?

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Making sense of childhood experiences

I'm not sure if I'm a victim of online grooming. When I was younger, I met someone on a popular writing website. I had just discovered I was bisexual, and she was too. She eventually confessed romantic feelings, and I nervously agreed to a relationship. It went bad from there - she used self-harm and suicide threats with images to keep me online and compliant. She would force me to engage in sexual fetish-y roleplay, even when I expressed discomfort. I eventually broke it off about a year later by blocking her. This experience, along with two others with different partners, contributed to my C-PTSD and identifying as caedromantic (experiencing romantic attraction that is later repulsed or fades). I've tried discussing these experiences with therapists but never got clear validation about what happened. It's been 8 years now, and I just want to understand what occurred.

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Making sense of childhood experiences

I'm confused about experiences from childhood that might be considered COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse). In 1st grade, I had a 'boyfriend' who would smack my bottom and lift up my skirt when we were at the back of the line away from everyone else. I told him to stop but he didn't listen. Another incident with this same boy was in computer lab when he walked over to me, squatted down and put his hand in my pants. He was touching me (no penetration). I can't remember much of what I was thinking then. I know I was confused and didn't understand what was happening. I felt uncomfortable but froze up and didn't stop him. He never asked if I was okay with this and said things like 'just be still' and 'you'll like this.' Looking back, I feel violated and gross. Part of me feels guilty for letting it happen, but another part feels I was taken advantage of. Am I gaslighting myself into thinking it was assault because I feel guilty, or was I just a child who was afraid? I never told any adults. How do I deal with this memory?

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Making sense of childhood experiences

I've been experiencing intrusive thoughts about a childhood memory. When I was 6-7, my friend and I played make-believe on the school bus where one was the 'boyfriend' and one the 'girlfriend.' During this play, I suggested we go under the bus seat, and I told her to touch my knee and say she was 'humping' my leg, which she did. I recently reconnected with this friend and asked if I'd made her uncomfortable, and she said she didn't remember it and we were 'just kids.' After this conversation, she stopped responding to my messages, which has triggered intense anxiety. I suspect I have OCD (undiagnosed) and have become consumed with worry about whether I did something harmful as a child or in reaching out to her now. Do I actually have anything to be worried about, or is this my anxiety? I feel like I might have ruined my life.

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Making sense of adult experiences

I'm not sure if what I experienced was sexual harassment or not. Here's what happened: I was sitting alone in a locker room when an acquaintance came to stand in front of me, wrapped a ribbon-like fabric around the back of my neck, rubbed it back and forth, and said my name very seductively. It made me feel awful. This wasn't the only time they did this - they also did it from behind once when I was sitting at the edge of a stage. Though brief, it happened in front of others and made me feel humiliated. They're very touchy with me in general even when I never reciprocate, and I've never seen them touch anyone else. Luckily I don't have to see them for a couple months, but it's bothering me a lot, making me nauseated and I have trouble sleeping. Am I overreacting?

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Making sense of childhood experiences

When I was about 9 years old, a family member who was about 13 exposed me to pornography before I had any sexual knowledge. Years later, when I was 12-13, I inappropriately touched my younger cousins. I feel disgusted by it today, but at that time, all I knew about sex was from pornography - no one had taught me about consent. I thought it was just a game. Does that make me a child-on-child abuser? I feel like I'm justifying a bad action when I say I was also a child and didn't know what I did was wrong. I hate that when I think about movements against sexual assault, I feel I have no right being part of them because I might be part of the problem. My relationship with my cousins is great, but I haven't had the courage to talk to them about it. Am I wrong to feel this guilt, and how should I process these feelings?

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Making sense of adult experiences

I was drunk and someone who was helping me kissed me when I hadn't shown any interest before I became intoxicated. Everything was blurry that night. I was laying down on his lap with my eyes closed when he kissed me. I didn't immediately push him away because I was really drunk, almost blackout drunk, and didn't have the strength. I only realized what happened after he stopped. I think he believes I consented because I didn't push him away. Is my anger valid even though I didn't say no?

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Managing emotions and how you feel in your body

I was accepted to law school in Baton Rouge. I was somewhat okay with possibly attending until I found out that someone who previously attempted to sexually assault me lives not far from there. I'm scared about potentially seeing this person if I attend this school. Finding this out makes me afraid because I've always worried about seeing them again, I just didn't know when. Am I overreacting or do I have legitimate concerns?

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Making sense of childhood experiences
Sex, sexuality, and intimacy after trauma

I'm coming to terms with experiences from my childhood and wondering if I'm overthinking their impact. In 2nd-4th grade, my same-age friend would isolate me from adults during recess and touch me inappropriately, putting her hands in my shirt or pants. Similar things happened during sleepovers at her house. I never said no and pretended to like it because I feared losing her friendship - she was my only source of attention while I was dealing with being ignored at home and struggling socially due to autism. When I moved schools in 5th grade, this stopped. I constantly battle with myself about whether this was actually harmful or if I'm just sensitive. I've never told anyone because I worry it doesn't count since we were both children, and I was physically larger and perceived as more masculine since I am Black in our predominantly white school. If it wasn't that bad, why did it impact me so deeply? These experiences have affected my relationships - I simultaneously hate being touched but feel that without physical intimacy, I'm not truly loved. This has led to situations where I don't explicitly refuse sex but don't truly consent, often ending up crying afterward. Was this experience actually harmful, or am I overreacting? I'd appreciate any insight or advice.

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Making sense of childhood experiences

I've come to terms that I was sexually assaulted by my older cousin when I was younger (COCSA), but what I don't understand is why I felt so desensitized and sort of numb to the experience and shrugged it off until now. Is this a normal reaction? I mean I was young and now I feel this somewhat sense of blame that I let it happen.

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Making sense of childhood experiences

Is there something wrong with me? I experienced sexual touch with an older cousin when I was 5 years old, and she was 8. We were playing house and touched each other inappropriately, though neither of us understood what we were doing at the time. Years later, when I was 9, I was sexually abused by my 14-year-old male cousin who forced me to do things with him and wouldn't let me leave. I haven't told anyone about these experiences because I'm afraid they'll think I'm weird or bad. I feel like I'm an evil person who won't be accepted because of what happened. I need guidance on what to do.

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Making sense of childhood experiences

When I was 4 I was in nursery and the kids decided they wanted to play doctors and they started touching each others genitals. I didn't want to play but they said I was sick so I had to and they held me down and touched me and pretended to do surgery on my vulva. I cried and they nursery workers came in and told them to stop. I feel like it was so long ago no one would care or believe me but I think about it all the time and I feel like it's my fault. Is it COCSA? I don't know what to do I'm so embarrassed.

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Making sense of childhood experiences

I recently learned about COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) and have questions about my own experiences. When I was 5 or 6, a boy who had a crush on me exposed himself to me in an empty classroom. I was confused and scared, told a teacher immediately, and he was disciplined. This didn't happen again, but the memory has stayed with me. Later, around age 9, classmates would talk to me about sexual topics because I was uninformed, which led me to search online and eventually develop problematic internet use patterns starting at age 13. I'm wondering if these experiences classify as COCSA, since there was no physical contact and the first incident was isolated. I don't want to inappropriately claim an experience that doesn't belong to me, but I'm trying to understand these childhood memories better.

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Making sense of adult experiences
Seeking help after trauma

Someone who assaulted me months ago recently threatened suicide and blamed me for not forgiving them. During our confrontation, we both exchanged harmful words about self-harm and I had a harsh response to them because I was at my breaking point. They're now in the hospital and seem to be portraying themselves as the victim. Was my harsh response wrong given the circumstances and my emotional state?

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Making sense of childhood experiences

I experienced several instances of sexual boundary violations beginning when I was 3 years old, involving older children who had themselves been exposed to abuse. At age 7, I repeated some of these behaviors with a younger friend, treating it as a 'game' like it had been presented to me. Years later in high school, this friend tried to reconnect with me, but I avoided her out of guilt. Am I a bad person? Was this COCSA (Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse)? How can I manage my guilt, especially when my friend seemed ready to forgive me?

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Making sense of childhood experiences
Seeking help after trauma

Is unwanted physical contact from a peer considered harassment? I have this group of bus friends, some are good but others I dislike being around. One girl in the grade below me has always treated me poorly, making me the joke of the group and intentionally upsetting me. Recently, her behavior has escalated - she's always been somewhat physical (snatching my phone, grabbing my hands, touching my thigh once), but now she grabs my chin without permission daily, caresses my head, and behaves in ways that make me uncomfortable. After the first chin-grabbing incident, I felt like crap for the rest of the day and couldn't focus in class. I don't know what to do, and I hesitate to seek help because I worry my situation isn't serious enough compared to what others experience.

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Making sense of childhood experiences

I experienced inappropriate touching from a same-sex friend when we were both around 11-13 years old. It started innocently but progressed to her touching my breasts and more. I tried to stop it by sleeping with a bra on or pretending to be asleep, but this never deterred her. I later learned she pulled down my pants while I was sleeping, making me wonder what else might have happened. After we stopped being friends, memories began resurfacing. I now understand I engaged in inappropriate behavior with my younger sister on a few occasions when I was around 12-13. I let her touch my breasts and engaged in other inappropriate physical contact. I feel tremendous shame and guilt. Although my sister now has her own family, I worry I've caused lasting harm. Is what I experienced with my friend connected to my behavior? Should I seek therapy? I don't feel deserving of a good life after what I did.

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Making sense of adult experiences
Managing emotions and how you feel in your body

I was sexually assaulted by another man who was twice my size while I was intoxicated. When I think back to that moment, I question why I didn't fight harder. After the encounter, I sobered up quickly and felt very angry and disturbed. Why do I feel like it was my fault or like I wanted it when I clearly didn't?

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Making sense of adult experiences

I've known a guy for about 3 years and have had a crush on him. He was always respectful, but recently there's been a concerning change. He's become physically inappropriate - wrestling with me, putting a sticker on my chest commenting about my breasts, smacking my behind, making sexual comments, and even touching my vagina after I tried to deflect his sexual comment. Why has he changed so quickly? Is it because he knows I like him and assumes I'm okay with it, or does he know it's inappropriate and is doing it anyway?

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Navigating relationships after trauma
Sex, sexuality, and intimacy after trauma

Is a partner/spouse entitled to know about past sexual experiences or trauma, including incidents that occurred during childhood?

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Making sense of childhood experiences

I am feeling guilt about a sexual encounter I had with a cousin 15 years ago when she was 7 and I was 12. I had just gotten my first period and she walked in on me putting in a tampon. It's hard to remember what happened but I think I initiated putting tampons and other items into our vaginas and anuses. At the time I felt guilty and confused. I was very religious and had a lot of shame and unanswered questions about bodily things. It never happened again. Now as an adult I am so worried I was predatory and harmed her. She has never brought this up and I think she may have forgotten. I also forgot about it for many years. We have a good relationship now. I am too ashamed to talk about this with anyone. Am I a predator? Should I talk to her about it?

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Making sense of childhood experiences
Seeking help after trauma

My therapist made comments suggesting women who freeze during assault 'wanted it' or are 'dirty,' though she backtracked saying my situation as a teenager was different. I've been afraid to share details about my abuse beyond the minimum, and now I'm even more scared. I don't want to continue therapy, but my mom already paid for the sessions, and I don't know how to address this with either of them. Should I just ignore these comments since they weren't directly about my situation?

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Making sense of childhood experiences

When I was younger, I was physically restrained by my brother and a female friend while a male friend kissed me. I had a crush on this boy, which is why they did it, but I told them to stop. I literally had to be restrained because I was struggling. Is this COCSA or just 'boys being boys'?

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Making sense of childhood experiences

At my first school after COVID in seventh grade, I noticed something that made me uncomfortable. On the first day, a teacher massaged a student's shoulders while asking about his summer, though he hadn't mentioned any pain. This seemed weird to me as a new student. I've since remembered that this teacher was often physical with students, though not in sexual ways. What might this behavior mean, and how should I understand what I observed?

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Making sense of childhood experiences
Understanding and embracing healing

When I was very young (still in diapers), my older cousin sexually abused me. To my knowledge, she hadn't experienced sexual abuse herself or been exposed to pornography or other factors that might explain this behavior. Can you help me understand why she may have done this and offer guidance on how I might process and move on from this experience?

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Making sense of childhood experiences

When I was young, I had unrestricted internet access and came across animated pornography of cartoon characters. At school, I would discuss this with a classmate of the same age who also seemed to have come across videos like this. I don't remember us using explicit language when discussing it, just asking if we saw this video with this character in it, and laughing about it sometimes. I don't really know why we laughed about it. We never showed each other videos, nor did we do anything else that could be considered inappropriate, but I still feel a bit guilty about talking about these things with my classmate, even if the conversation was mutual. Am I right to feel guilty about this?

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How to support survivors and be an ally

How can I best support my friend who was sexually assaulted on our college campus? It's especially concerning because the person who committed the assault appears to be a repeat offender. This person wants to become a doctor, and it's scary to think they might not be held accountable for their actions, similar to recent cases in the medical field. I'm devastated for my friend and don't know how to help.

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Making sense of childhood experiences

I need clarity about childhood sexual behaviors that I now feel guilty about. When I was 10-11, my younger brother was 6-7 years old. After being exposed to pornography around that time, I engaged in inappropriate sexual behaviors with my brother including oral contact and attempted anal contact. This happened a few times before stopping. Later, around age 12, I also engaged in sexual experimentation with my cousin of similar age. When I was 18, I remembered these events and felt deep shame. I spoke with my brother about it when he was 14, and he told me it was okay. Recently, I've been thinking about it again and feeling like I committed child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). Should I talk to my brother about it again? We have a good relationship now, and I didn't force or threaten him, but I feel remorseful and ashamed. How can I process these feelings?

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Making sense of childhood experiences
Sex, sexuality, and intimacy after trauma

I'm confused about some of my brother's behavior during childhood and adolescence and whether it could explain my current intimacy issues. I'm 30F and have struggled with intimacy throughout my life. While I enjoy kissing and cuddling, I completely freeze up as soon as it goes further and just want it to be over. When I was 7 and my brother was 10, he showed me how to pleasure himself and made me do it. A few years later when he was 14-15, he would occasionally come into my room at night after drinking and watch me while I pretended to sleep. Sometimes he touched me between my legs, and I would move as if I was rolling over in my sleep, causing him to leave. This continued for a few months until he stopped. We now have a close relationship. Could these experiences be causing my difficulty with intimacy? I can't find another explanation, and it's becoming a real hurdle for me.

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Making sense of childhood experiences

I think I'm a victim of COCSA (Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse), but I'm not sure. The whole thing is sort of a blur and I only remembered it last year. It happened in second grade at a sleepover with my friend who was about a year older than me. We were really into role-playing, and they asked me to do a different kind of role-play - sex. I'm not sure if I knew what it was; I had a rough idea but didn't really know. But they did know. They took me under the covers of my bed and touched me (not penetration), and made me touch them back, which was the part I didn't like. But I had a crush on them, so I'm confused if that counts as abuse. The whole situation was weird, and I'm scared because I don't want to call it something that it's not. (They also introduced me to different forms of porn.)

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Making sense of adult experiences

My ex-boyfriend expressed having a 'rape kink' and would sometimes refuse to leave my house. There were several concerning incidents: he once picked me up and threw me onto my bed, another time he pushed me face down onto my mattress and briefly put his hands on my neck. He also sometimes continued with physical contact (kissing, touching my breasts) after I said no. I never yelled or physically fought back during the more intimidating incidents. I'm having trouble classifying these experiences and feel guilty for not responding differently. I still feel bothered by these events months later but worry about sharing them with others in case they sound trivial. How should I understand what happened to me?

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Making sense of childhood experiences

In 7th grade, my friend rubbed my thigh during class. It was a disturbing experience, and when I asked him to stop, he wouldn't. He was my first friend that I made, and I didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable so I let him until I felt physically sick, when I stood up from my chair and stepped away. Afterward, he falsely suggested I had been assaulted by a family member and seemed to be trying to convince me this had happened. I started distancing myself after this. Was what he did considered assault since he only touched my outer thigh?

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Making sense of adult experiences

I need to know if what happened was assault. A guy kissed me one day and after that, I told him I did not like him. A couple days later I let him crash at my place because he had nowhere to go. He said he would sleep on the floor, which I was okay with, so I got him a blanket and pillows then went to bed. While I was half awake, he came to my bed, cuddled me, and kissed me on the neck and forehead. Then he kissed me on the lips. I was freaked out because I didn't know what to do. I told him I had already told him I didn't want this, and he said 'Yeah I know, but you're so nice to be around' and proceeded to kiss me again while I was not kissing him back. Was this assault if I didn't explicitly tell him no in the moment, even though I had previously told him I wasn't interested and didn't respond to his advances?

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Sex, sexuality, and intimacy after trauma

Can digital (finger) penetration be considered oral? Or is that not accurate terminology?

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Making sense of childhood experiences
Sex, sexuality, and intimacy after trauma

When I was 6, I was bribed into performing an unwanted sexual act with a boy by his older sister. They seemed to know what they were doing, as they were smirking throughout and never gave me the promised bribe, instead finding amusement in my disappointment. I cannot remember the full details of what happened, just before and after. What's bothering me is that I agreed to it because of the bribe, while my younger sister was able to refuse. Can it still be considered sexual abuse if I went along with it? I feel this childhood experience may be affecting my adult intimacy issues, including vaginismus. Could these problems possibly be connected to this childhood event?

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Making sense of childhood experiences
Sex, sexuality, and intimacy after trauma

When I was young, my older female cousin made me preform oral on her. At the time I didn't know it was inappropriate, and I was curious about it. I even asked to 'play' again later. As an adult, I realized it was sexual assault and feel deep shame, particularly because part of me didn't hate the experience. This has been difficult to process. Is this normal? Additionally, now that I'm married, sometimes during sexual activities my body gets a strange feeling at a certain point that makes me want to stop immediately, even if I was enjoying it before. What might be happening?

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