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Answering your questions.

Here are some answers to questions we have received in the past from our survivor community. We hope these answers can help survivors, advocates, and the general public learn more about trauma and survivor healing.

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Understanding Trauma & Violence
Managing Trauma Impact
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Managing Trauma Impact

I was assaulted (a stranger was walking around me acting all weird and he grabbed my bottom). Part of my reaction is "I never want anyone to touch me there again," but another part is "What would it feel like if someone touched me there and I wanted them to touch me?" I think someday I want to experience intimate touch with someone I love and trust. Is this feeling my brain trying to help me reclaim my body? How do I reconcile these feelings?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence
Managing Trauma Impact

Will I as a sexual assault survivor be able to have a "normal" romantic/sexual relationship someday? I have never had that kind of relationship before. I think I'm afraid of that kind of intimacy and physical touch because my first experience of sexual touch was someone approaching and grabbing me. I hate that there are people who think they can misuse other people's bodies.

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

Is it harmful for a teenager (14) to show kids younger than them porn as a joke or is that considered child-on-child-sexual abuse (COCSA)? And what if they immediately regret doing so afterwards?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I'm trying to understand a past experience where I felt pressured into intimate activities. The person didn't use physical force or explicit threats, but I felt unable to refuse. They persisted despite my hesitation, using subtle pressure and ignoring my attempts to express discomfort. I liked this person and tried to convince myself their actions were okay because they weren't overtly aggressive. However, I felt intimidated and unable to effectively communicate or enforce my boundaries. Is this considered a form of coercion, even though the pressure was more emotional and mental rather than physical? I'm struggling to categorize this experience and would appreciate some insight. How do we define coercion when it's not overtly forceful but still results in unwanted activities?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

Is it a form of sexual abuse if your parents would have very loud sexual encounters on a regular basis? And watch lots of movies with very sexual content in them?

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Managing Trauma Impact

I'm experiencing recurring, vivid mental images of assault scenarios that I know didn't actually happen. These images feel very real and detailed, even though I'm aware they're not based on true events. They vary widely in content, and some are even impossible situations. Despite knowing these aren't real memories of assaults, the vividness sometimes makes me question reality. I'm not actively trying to imagine these scenarios - they seem to appear in my mind involuntarily. I'm unsure what to call this experience or why it's happening. Can anyone help me understand what this might be and suggest ways to manage these distressing thoughts?

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Managing Trauma Impact

I experienced childhood sexual trauma (oral abuse) and now struggle with vaginismus causing painful intercourse, despite the abuse not involving vaginal penetration. This has caused some issues in my relationship as we want children one day but I cannot handle vaginal sex. Pelvic floor exercises and dilators have provided minimal help. Why might I have vaginismus given the nature of my trauma, and how can I manage its effects?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I'm seeking advice about a childhood experience that's been on my mind lately. When I was around 8 years old, I had an encounter with a classmate of the same age that involved exposure of private body parts. It was presented as a 'game,' but I felt uncomfortable and initially refused. I eventually gave in to peer pressure and participated briefly. We didn't touch each other, but the memory has stayed with me. I've always tried to brush it off, but recently I've been wondering how to categorize this experience. I'm unsure if it falls under the umbrella of child-on-child harmful sexual behavior or if it was a case of inappropriate childhood curiosity. The incident made me uncomfortable then and still does now, but I'm uncertain about labeling it as 'abuse' since that seems like a very serious term. This experience may have influenced my early interest in mature online content, though I'm not sure if there's a direct connection. I'd appreciate an outside perspective on how to understand and process this childhood event. How can I differentiate between harmful behavior and normal childhood exploration? And how might I address any lingering effects from this experience?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I experienced a sexual situation with my cousin when I was 8 and she was around 12. At the time, I didn't feel affected by it, but now that I'm older, it's impacting me. I'm unsure how to process this, considering our ages at the time and her possible awareness of her actions. How can I understand and cope with these complex feelings?

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Managing Trauma Impact

I recently left my abusive ex-fiancé and have been attending therapy regularly to process my experiences. As I heal, more memories are surfacing. I'm working on setting boundaries and demanding respect, which is a change from my previous people-pleasing behavior. However, my family seems unsupportive of my healing journey. They get angry about my therapy attendance and my new boundaries. I believe they might think I somehow caused my ex's abusive behavior. As someone recovering from severe abuse and changing long-standing patterns, how can I help my family understand and support my healing process? What strategies can I use to deal with their judgment and lack of support? How can I maintain my boundaries and continue my healing journey while navigating these challenging family dynamics?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

Since intoxicated people cannot consent, what is the situation if two intoxicated people willingly have intercourse with each other? Would that still not be okay?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I understand that prisoners cannot consent to sexual relationships with prison staff. But among prisoners themselves, is consent possible? If there's a power imbalance between prisoners, can the situation still be consensual if the person with more power is respectful and sets boundaries?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I'm seeking advice about a situation that occurred when I was 14. I met a 17-year-old online, and we quickly developed a close relationship, communicating daily. Our interactions became intimate, involving explicit messages and photos. I'm now concerned about whether this was appropriate given our age difference. He insisted we keep our "relationship" secret from others. The experience has negatively affected my mental health, leading to depression, isolation, and body image issues. I've been hesitant to discuss this with anyone, including my therapist. I'm confused about what constitutes love, as he was often kind and comforting. I'm unsure if this situation is considered grooming or if it's a serious issue. Can you help me understand if this experience was inappropriate or potentially abusive? How can I cope with the emotional impact it's had on me? I'm looking for guidance on how to process this experience and move forward.

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I recently had my first gynecological examination. The experience was stressful for several reasons: 1. The doctor seemed physically aggressive during the exam, in my opinion. 2. I had difficulty staying still due to nervousness. 3. Despite my request, the doctor didn't consistently warn me before touching me. 4. I felt scared that I might be forcibly restrained. I understand that the examination wasn't sexual in nature, but I'm unsure how to process this experience. Are my feelings of discomfort and uncertainty justified? How should I interpret this situation?

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Meaning Making

When I was about eight, these two boys held me down on the playground. I think it was only one of them kissing me. Everyone kind of gathered around in a circle and laughed and egged him on. Does this count as assault? It makes me feel ill to think of years later.

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

One of my earliest memories involves a traumatic incident with an older relative when I was very young. I'm unsure about some details, but I recognize it now as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) due to the age difference and my lack of understanding at the time. However, I'm confused because I don't feel as affected by this experience as I think I should be. While I understand the act was wrong, I don't have strong emotions about it. Is it normal to feel relatively neutral about a traumatic childhood experience like this? I feel like I should have more intense feelings about the incident, but I don't.

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

Could you talk about "faking consent?"

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I've been reading about power imbalances in relationships, including how those with more power can unintentionally influence others. This has raised some confusing and troubling questions for me: 1. How can someone unknowingly cause harm due to their position of power in a relationship? 2. At what point does a power dynamic potentially make someone's actions constitute sexual assault or rape? 3. If a person doesn't realize they're in a position of power over their partner, how can their actions be considered rape? How could someone unintentionally become a rapist in a situation they didn't recognize as involving power inequality? 4. Should people in powerful positions actively check on others' boundaries? What other considerations or responsibilities do they have? I'm having trouble understanding these complex dynamics and the ethical implications involved. Can you help clarify these issues?

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Meaning Making

Can you explain how power imbalances can affect consent in relationships? What are some examples of power dynamics that could potentially make consent questionable, both in intimate and non-intimate contexts? How might those same situations look different if there was no power imbalance?

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Managing Trauma Impact

I experienced sexual harassment and unwanted touching from someone I initially thought was a friend. This went on for over a year before it stopped. It's now been 2 years, but I still struggle with intense feelings of guilt, shame, and stress when triggered by memories of what happened. I'm in therapy and on medication to help manage my emotions, but I'm looking for additional ways to work through these difficult feelings. How can I internalize that I have nothing to be ashamed of and shouldn't feel guilty for what happened to me?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

Is it possible for a child to assault an adult? What should the adult do if this happens?

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Managing Trauma Impact

Why does being assaulted or abused make some victims feel "dirty" or disgusted with themselves a lot of the time?

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Meaning Making

What is a good age difference in a relationship for an 18- or 19-year-old so that they don't get groomed from an older person?

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Meaning Making

I've read that grooming can affect not just children, but also vulnerable adults up to age 25. Does this mean relationships involving young adults in their early 20s could be considered problematic? How is grooming distinguished from normal relationship development in this age group, especially for vulnerable individuals?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I'm curious about the legal and ethical implications of sexual encounters where one party unknowingly engages with someone who can't consent. This could be due to forced prostitution or conditions like sexsomnia. How responsible is a person for recognizing these situations? I'm trying to understand these complex scenarios without unfairly blaming those who might be unaware of the full circumstances. How do law and ethics view such situations?

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Meaning Making

I'm seeking guidance on a delicate subject related to sexual exploitation. I'm trying to understand how to differentiate between two scenarios involving young people visiting a brothel: one where both individuals are victims of early sexualization and may not fully understand the risks, and another where one individual is knowingly leading the other into a potentially dangerous situation. I'm feeling conflicted about this issue because it involves the sensitive topic of sex work, which challenges some of my political beliefs. Can you provide insight on how to approach and understand these complex situations?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I understand the concepts of grooming and Romeo and Juliet laws, but I'm struggling to differentiate between various situations involving age differences in relationships. Why do some young adults still pursue relationships with minors, even in our modern society? Additionally, could Romeo and Juliet laws potentially excuse problematic behavior in young people?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I'm struggling to categorize a childhood experience. At 4 years old in preschool, I would take a quiet boy to the girls' bathroom. I'd use the toilet while he stood there, though I covered myself. After seeing two children kiss, I attempted to kiss him, but it didn't happen - either I stopped or someone intervened. I'm unsure if this was innocent child behavior or COCSA.

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

When I was 12/13, at a sleepover with my twin sister at our 16-year-old neighbor's house, a situation occurred involving the neighbor, her 17-year-old brother, and his friend. They suggested a sexual 'game' I didn't understand. The neighbor girl explained oral sex and made us practice with a pencil. My memory is unclear after that. I'm unsure if this was experimentation or abuse/COCSA, and I struggle with how to label this experience.

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I'm trying to understand an experience from my childhood. When I was about 12, a local girl who was a year or two younger initiated 'playing doctor' with me, despite my lack of interest. She touched my genitals, which I didn't mind, but then insisted I touch hers. When I refused, she threatened to claim I'd abused her if I didn't comply. Feeling pressured, I reluctantly participated. This happened in her bedroom, which she shared with her younger brother. She would lock him out, using furniture to block the door. Her brother would knock and ask to be let in, but she'd refuse. Their parents seemed mostly unconcerned, only occasionally telling her not to lock her brother out. Was this sexual abuse, or just childhood innocence gone too far? I'm confused about how to interpret this experience and its impact on me. My friend suggests my compliance was a 'fawning' response. How should I understand what happened? Was this sexual abuse or childhood innocence?

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Seeking Help After Trauma

What should I do if I get groped in public by a stranger?

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Managing Trauma Impact

Are we as survivors still able to be loved?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I'm in my first relationship, which has been on and off for over a year and a half. We're both 20 now and met when we were 18. The first time he hurt me was in January. After several incidents, I forgave him and we got back together, but he tells me I was a "bitch" and that I caused what happened to escalate. I've always had memory issues and often forget parts of our arguments - sometimes even things I've said. He says I'm egocentric for this, but it's not intentional. Is this a normal part of relationships? How should I interpret his behavior and my memory issues in the context of our conflicts?

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Managing Trauma Impact

I've never experienced romantic or sexual attraction, but I sometimes become physically aroused (not mentally) when people show concern for me. This happens regardless of gender, though I'm unsure about frequency due to limited vulnerability with others. I feel ashamed about this response, especially when it occurs during discussions about my sexual trauma. Is this a common reaction? Could it be related to past trauma? What might cause this kind of physical response? Should I avoid situations where people comfort me because of this reaction? How can I address these feelings of shame and confusion?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

If we were female cousins under the age of 10 (but she was almost two years older than me), and I didn't consent to sexual activity but also didn't actively refuse, was this COCSA (Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse)? She had seen it in porn videos and told me we were playing games, but she still touched me and used her mouth on my vagina. She also touched my other two girl cousins my age, and she used manipulation and emotional and verbal abuse. And is it okay that now I sexualize myself as a result of her actions?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

What are the ethical and legal considerations surrounding relationships between teenagers when one party is 18 or older and the other is younger (e.g. 15)? How do laws and experts differentiate between acceptable peer relationships and potentially criminal situations involving minors? What factors beyond just numerical age should be considered when evaluating these relationships from both a legal and ethical standpoint? How can society balance protecting minors from exploitation while recognizing that close-in-age teenage relationships may occur?

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Seeking Help After Trauma

I'm struggling to understand an experience I had when I was 17. A guy the same age as me was driving, while his friend gave me alcohol in the backseat. I became extremely incapacitated, slurring my speech. My best friend was in the passenger seat. The driver, who hadn't been drinking, moved to the backseat and performed oral sex on me and digitally penetrated me. I never consented when he asked, and I felt only pain, not pleasure. I was barely conscious due to the alcohol. Immediately after, I self-harmed for the first time in a long while. When I got home, I showered right away because I felt disgusting. I didn't think much about it until the girl who was there told me she thought it was sexual assault. Following this event, my mental health deteriorated significantly. I became suicidal and self-harmed frequently. I'm confused about how to feel because my old friend said it was both his and my fault, while my mom said the opposite. We were only acquaintances before this happened. Given that we were both minors and I was incapacitated, was this sexual assault? How should I understand and process this experience?

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Managing Trauma Impact

I’m incredibly anxious about being harmed again. I'm scared to leave my house. What can I do about this?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I want to discuss the broad use of the term COCSA (Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse). From what I've learned, both children are considered victims in these situations. However, I've noticed COCSA being used in cases where young people are aware of their actions, which seems confusing. Why isn't a new term created for these cases, like "Juvenile Sexual Assault" (JSA)? I'm confused about why COCSA is used when it's meant for situations with two victims of circumstance. Doesn't using COCSA for cases involving more awareness or intent blur the lines between different scenarios? How can we better differentiate between these situations in our terminology?

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Managing Trauma Impact

I have been in a relationship with my current significant other for about 5 months. They love me and treat me well. They know my past and make me feel safe. However, it has been hard for me to mentally move past my previous relationship, which had a lot of emotional abuse and sexual abuse. How do I get my brain out of the "survival" mode in relationships so I can truly love my partner the way they (and I) deserve?

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