Question

When I was a child, between the ages of 7-9, I remember an instance where I made my sister engage in a sexual act with me. Although I don't believe I was sexually abused by any adults, I did have cousins around my age who did sexual things to me, such as pulling down my pants while playing and repeatedly exposing their genitals to me. Additionally, my mother would share detailed stories of her own sexual abuse from a young age. I feel guilty about what I did to my sister and wonder if she remembers it and if it caused her any harm. I did not have bad intentions, but I experience anxiety and OCD, which makes me question if I am a deeply immoral person. I know my relationship with myself and my sexuality was skewed at a young age due to my mother's stories. I became hypersexual as a child, and it persists to this day. I don't remember how many times it happened with my sister, but I think I stopped because it felt wrong, and I knew our mother would be upset if she found out. I never spoke to my mother about it because she is abusive, and I didn't want to aggravate her trauma. I'm wondering if I am an abuser or perpetrator. I don't have any inappropriate feelings towards children now that I'm 19, and I constantly question myself to ensure I am not an abuser. I'm concerned that I may be the reason for my sister's temper issues and acting out, but that could also be a result of our abusive parents. I'm not sure how much I should blame myself.

Answer

Thank you so much for reaching out and trusting us with your story. First and foremost, I want to name and acknowledge that you were a child when this incident with your sister occurred. Children who engage in sexual behavior with other children are often acting out something they've experienced, witnessed, or heard about. In your case, it could be that exposure to your mother's stories of sexual abuse and the inappropriate actions of your cousins may have influenced your behavior. 

It's understandable that you feel guilt and shame about what happened with your sister. However, it's crucial to remember that as a child, you did not fully understand the implications of your actions. The fact that you stopped because it felt wrong and you were concerned about your sister's well-being demonstrates that you did not have malicious intent.

Your experiences of hypersexuality and the impact of your mother's stories on your relationship with yourself and your sexuality are common among individuals who have been exposed to sexual content or abuse at a young age. These experiences can lead to confusion, shame, and a distorted view of healthy sexual development.

It's important to distinguish between child-on-child sexual exploration and abuse. While the incident with your sister was inappropriate, it does not necessarily make you an abuser or perpetrator. Abusers typically have a pattern of deliberately exploiting and manipulating others for their own gratification, often with a significant power imbalance. From what you've described, this does not seem to be the case in your situation.

However, it's understandable that you're concerned about the potential impact on your sister. It's possible that she may remember the incident and have some unresolved feelings about it. It's also true that your sister's temper issues and acting out could be a result of your abusive family environment.

If you feel comfortable and safe doing so, it might be beneficial to have an open and honest conversation with your sister about what happened. This can be an opportunity to express your remorse, clarify your intentions, and provide a space for both of you to process your feelings. It's important to approach this conversation with sensitivity and respect for your sister's boundaries and emotional state. Planning and role-playing this conversation with a therapist beforehand can help you feel more prepared and ensure that the discussion is productive and healing for both of you.

It's essential to be compassionate with yourself as you navigate these complex emotions. Your OCD and anxiety may be exacerbating your feelings of guilt and fear about being an abuser. It's important to work with a mental health professional who can help you process your experiences, manage your OCD symptoms, and develop a healthy perspective on your past actions.

Remember, you were a child in a difficult situation, and it sounds like you did not have the knowledge or support to navigate it appropriately. You are not solely responsible for your sister's well-being or the dysfunction in your family. Focus on your own healing and growth, and if you feel comfortable, consider opening up to your sister to create a path towards understanding and forgiveness. We have received similar questions like this in the past, so feel free to read through some of our other answers related to child-on-child sexual abuse if you think that would be helpful. I really appreciate your bravery sharing this with us. You are not alone.