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Resources Survivor Q & AThank you for reaching out to us. What you've described sounds like a very distressing and confusing experience. It's understandable that you're struggling to make sense of your feelings and determine whether what happened was sexual assault.
First, it's important to recognize that consent is not just the absence of a "no." It's the presence of an enthusiastic, informed, and freely given "yes." It sounds like you were not in a state of mind to give clear, enthusiastic consent. You mentioned that you didn't want to engage in sexual activity but felt like you had to go through with it. This pressure to comply, even if it wasn't explicitly stated, can be a form of coercion. Additionally, the fact that you were sleep-deprived, recently out of an abusive relationship, and potentially missed social cues due to being autistic all contribute to a situation where you were vulnerable and not fully able to advocate for your needs and boundaries.
It's concerning and upsetting that he blocked you and disappeared after the encounter. This suggests that he may have been more interested in his own gratification than in ensuring that the experience was mutually comfortable and consensual. I am sorry you experienced that. You did not deserve that. That is not a kind thing to do and I can only imagine how painful that must have felt for you.
The physical and emotional reactions you've been experiencing - panic attacks, feeling his touch, discomfort with wearing certain clothing - are all common responses to sexual trauma. Even if you felt fine in the moment, it's valid to have delayed reactions of distress, confusion, and disgust.
Only you can label your experiences, but it is important to remember that sexual assault is never your fault. You are not to blame for his actions or for not being able to stop the situation. It's the responsibility of the person initiating sexual contact to ensure that their partner is enthusiastically consenting and comfortable throughout the encounter.
It's understandable that you're questioning your own feelings and wondering if you're just disappointed that the experience didn't live up to your expectations. However, the fact that you're having such strong negative reactions suggests that there wa something deeply unsettling about the encounter, and that you may be feeling something beyond just disappointment.
I encourage you to reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist to process this experience. It can be helpful to talk through your feelings with someone who can offer support and validation. If you feel comfortable, you may also want to consider contacting a sexual assault hotline or chatline or support organization for additional resources and guidance.
Remember, your feelings are valid, and you deserve to have your boundaries and well-being respected in all sexual encounters. Having trouble labeling coercive experiences is not uncommon. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this complex situation, and know that support is available. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.
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