Find Answers to Your Questions ~ Our Wave Community

Question 1

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

Accepted Answer

When a loved one is going through a difficult time in their healing journey, they may look to you for support or encouragement.  However, it is important to remember that your own mental health is important too. Trauma is extremely painful and sometimes no matter what you do as a bystander, it can feel like not enough. At times like these, you may need to set boundaries to ensure that your needs are addressed as well.

Setting boundaries can be difficult, especially if you have not had much practice. First, think about what your needs and limits are. This can include the level of financial, emotional, and physical help you are willing to provide. When you are ready, share with your loved one in a calm situation, rather than in the heat of the moment. Use “I” statements to show your perspective. After you have communicated these boundaries, it is important to follow through and re-emphasize them when needed. Resist feelings of guilt. This does not mean you do not care about them.

You can also help by suggesting other means of support. Therapists or local crisis centers have experience working with people with trauma and are trained to help. You may also find these services helpful for your own processing. It is not uncommon for local crisis centers to  also offer services for loved ones of those who have experienced trauma.

Just because someone has experienced trauma, does not mean that they have a right to take their anger out on you. If you feel that you are being verbally, physically, or sexually harmed, set a limit if it feels safe, remove yourself from the situation, and seek help if you need it.

It can be difficult to help your friends if you run out of emotional or physical energy. Focusing on your own self-care is not selfish, it sometimes may be necessary. As the saying goes, put your mask on first...then offer assistance.

Question 2

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

The healing process can be an opportunity to regain the control and autonomy that is often taken away during a traumatic experience. You are in the driver seat of your recovery and you decide how you want to navigate your healing and what’s best for you.

Setting goals or benchmarks is one way to measure your growth and celebrate small wins as you recover after trauma. If you choose to set goals, remember that everyone heals in their own way and in their own time.

Be patient with your progress and compassionate toward yourself. Try not to compare your own growth to someone else’s—your path to recovery is yours and only yours.

What do you want to achieve? It can help to think about what’s important to you and what inspires you. You can work on something personal (like thinking more positively) or something more tangible (like making time for friends you’ve lost touch with).

Choosing goals that are specific and measurable makes them easier to achieve. Saying one kind thing to yourself daily for two weeks is a specific and measurable goal to think more positively. You can easily track it and tell if you’ve successfully accomplished it or not.

Once you choose a goal, think about whether it’s realistic for where you are right now in your healing process. Be gentle with yourself and the benchmarks you select. It’s okay if you don’t achieve a goal you set the first time. Large goals can be broken into smaller, more easily attainable goals. No goal is too small. Keep things simple. You will get there.

It’s helpful to have a mix of both short and long-term goals. How many goals are you focusing on at the same time? Focusing your attention on 2-3 goals at a time can make it easier to keep track of them.

You don’t have to recover or set goals alone. It’s okay to reach out to people you trust. Extra support and motivation can help you achieve your goals. It’s up to you to decide who you want to involve in your recovery process, even if it’s just having someone to celebrate with.

When you accomplish a goal, take a moment to take in your achievement. Acknowledge and celebrate growth, even if it’s small. It’s proof that you are still moving forward. Healing from trauma is hard work. It is not a straight-forward or easy process. It takes time, and you may experience setbacks along the way, but you can do it.

Question 3

How do I understand why something triggers me?

Accepted Answer

Highly emotional & stressful experiences “trigger” a part of the brain called the amygdala. Usually, the amygdala is helpful and works to keep us safe from dangerous situations by activating a fear response.

After a traumatic experience, the amygdala can become overactive, causing fear responses even if you are not in any danger. Your reaction may be to fight, flee, or freeze, interfering with daily tasks and functioning, even if you’re in a completely safe situation.

Sometimes triggers are more obvious—like seeing violence on a tv show or hearing about it on the news. It makes sense why watching or hearing something traumatic would bring up memories or feelings from your own trauma.

Other times, triggers can feel more subtle or hard to anticipate. They can include just about anything--from hearing a song, to hugging someone, to smelling something, to the way a piece of fabric or clothing feels, or even just going to a doctor’s appointment.

While triggers can feel isolating & scary, especially when they happen in public or around other people, know that you are not alone. Over two-thirds of survivors of sexual assault report experiencing triggers.

Over time you can identify the situations that might trigger you. Anticipating these situations and learning relaxation strategies can make it easier to cope with them. While it feels good to avoid triggers in the short-term, it’s not always possible to predict all potential triggers.

Experiencing a trigger in a safe situation that does not pose danger & coping with it, can help your amygdala re-learn that these cues aren’t actually signs of real danger. This process can help decrease the intensity & frequency of triggers over time.

Many survivors of trauma or viσlence will notice an improvement in post-traumatic symptoms naturally over time. For others, these symptoms might not improve on their own & can interfere with their daily lives.

If you notice that your triggers are affecting you & not improving, you might consider reaching out to your social network for support or consider seeking professional help to navigate recovery. You know yourself best & what type of support sounds right to you.

Question 4

There is so much going on in the world. My trauma feels insignificant compared to what others are going through. How do I manage that?

Accepted Answer

There is something about our current state that can make any personal trauma feel unworthy. How can I feel this pain when I have a roof over my head? When I have a job? When I am healthy? While this reframing and acknowledgement of the intensity of others’ suffering is an important empathetic response, it also can harm our own processing of the events that impact us.

It is easy to be hard on yourself when you are struggling, particularly if you are not healing as fast as you would like, or if you constantly feel like you are being setback. Remember, trauma not only consists of events, but also how you experience these events and the ultimate impact it has on you based on your current supports and prior history. It is not fair to yourself to be constantly comparing the situations you have endured to others. Be gentle with yourself. Every person's trauma is unique and deserves attention.

You may also find yourself questioning the validity of your trauma when you hear about the trauma stories of others either through the Our Wave site, or other platforms and mediums where survivors share their experiences. Resist the voice inside of you telling yourself that your experience “might not count” or “wasn’t that bad.” These thoughts can minimize your trauma and cause detachment from complicated emotions.

While minimizing your trauma may be protective at first, it can interfere with you getting the help that you need to heal. It is important to remember that if something feels bad, it is bad. Everyone deserves help when they are struggling.

It’s easy to feel guilty for feeling anything anymore, when the world is so painful for so many.  For those who are silently struggling with your own trauma, know that your feelings are valid. Name it. Claim it. It is not small because it is not the trauma of others.

No matter what else is appearing on news headlines or in your life, your trauma is valid. Celebrate the positive aspects of your life but allow yourself space to acknowledge the negatives too. You are not alone, but your experience is important. You matter.

Next week will be our last FAQ Friday. Thank you for joining in community with us.

Question 5

What should I do if I am unable to leave an unhealthy environment?

Accepted Answer

It’s not always possible to leave an unhealthy environment, but creating a detailed safety plan can help minimize risk and help you navigate difficult living situations. Safety plans look different for everyone, and you decide what pieces are useful to you and your situation.

Living in an unhealthy environment is stressful and predicting when conflict or potential danger might erupt is difficult. In moments of tension, it’s hard to think clearly and know how to respond. Developing a safety plan helps you think through and plan for scenarios before they happen.

An exit plan can be critical for situations that might become dangerous. It can be helpful to think through belongings you would need to quickly leave, what door is easiest to access, who you will contact after leaving, and where you can go for safety.

Safe spaces could include the homes of nearby friends or family, a public space that is well populated and where you feel safe, or a housing shelter.

Safety plans can also be used to meet psychological and emotional needs. If it’s not possible or necessary to physically exit your environment, finding a safe and private space within your living space or nearby can be of equal importance for your mental wellbeing.

You don’t need to have a physical copy of your plan, especially if it would be a risk if found. Mentally planning is just as valid and useful. If you do write it out, try to keep it in a private place or in a password protected note, where it’s less likely to be found by others.

Safety planning is a tool that can help minimize risk, but remember that you are never responsible for someone else’s violent or abusive actions.

When you are unable to leave an unhealthy living situation, it can feel like you’re responsible for managing the emotions and behaviors of those around you. It’s easy to lose sight of your own needs and worth when your environment does not reflect back how important you truly are.

Your thoughts and feelings matter. You matter. You are never responsible for the hurtful actions of those around you. You are worthy of feeling safe and loved. https://ncadv.org/get-help

Question 6

What is the rape kit backlog and what are my evidence collecting options?

Accepted Answer

After a sexual assault, a survivor can choose to have forensic exam (sometimes called a “rape kit” or “SANE exam”) completed at a hospital or designated rape crisis center with a specially trained medical professional.

A forensic exam typically assesses and documents any injuries, swabs for DNA evidence, and administers medication to prevent pregnancy and STD/STIs. This exam is free and is most effective when it is completed within 72 hours after an assault has occurred.

Having a forensic exam after an assault is a separate process from filing a report with law enforcement. You can choose to have evidence collected, but do not have to report your sexual assault at the same time if you don’t want to.

If you want to report your sexual assault, law enforcement will pick up any evidence and send it to a crime lab for testing. If you don’t want to report or are unsure, you can still have evidence collected, but it will be stored safely in case you want to report later.

States often limit how long you can wait to report a crime, ranging from 2-30 years. If you may be interested in reporting your assault at any point, look up these limits based on the state where your assault occurred.

These are difficult decisions to make. You are not alone if you feel overwhelmed or unsure on what to do. Know that there is no “right” choice—there is only the choice that is right for you.

Having evidence saved is different from the rape kit backlog. The backlog refers to cases where a survivor makes a report, but evidence is not analyzed for a DNA match. This happens when evidence is never sent to a crime lab, or when a lab takes too long to process it.

The backlog is an issue because the success of a legal case often depends on what evidence is available. The failure to process rape kits and test for DNA matches can affect whether a survivor obtains the justice they deserve.

While the rape kit backlog problem has improved substantially, we still have a very long way to go until all backlogged kits are properly tested. Reporting after an assault has historically been a complex issue. If you need help navigating your options, contact your local rape crisis center.

Question 7

Why do I self-harm and what is the best way to stop?

Accepted Answer

First of all, talking about self-injury is really hard, so thank you for asking this question. We have asked our favorite psychiatrist to help answer this. We promise you, tons of other people are wondering the same thing. We believe in honest conversations about uncomfortable topics, ​but sometimes talking about self-injury can be triggering. If now is not a good time, bookmark this post for later. If you need help, The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24/7 at 800-273-8255.

Let’s start with ground rules. Self-injury does not make you “crazy,” you aren’t “broken,” nor are you “just seeking attention.” These are all super unhelpful myths (or lies) from people who don’t understand how the brain works.

I talk to people about self-injury as a “force quit.” When we have a ton of files open on our computer while also launching two new programs, the wires and messages can get crossed and the system can freeze. If you are like me, you sit there for a while in growing frustration, clicking wildly between windows, which only slows things down more. Then you hit “force quit” and the computer stops in its tracks and attempts to re-boot.

While the human brain is much more complicated than a computer, we all have experiences that can lead to “crossed wires” making it challenging to process the stress and emotions of daily life. Our brains can get “stuck” and we literally don’t know what to do. Self-injury can become our “force quit” command.

There is nothing wrong with seeking ways to “re-boot.” Everyone (and I mean everyone- yes even the most Zen person you know) has strategies for coping with his or her own processing jams. Concern comes when those strategies involve harming yourself.

Talking to a professional about your specific wiring can be helpful. That said, there are other re-boot strategies to consider. I find tools from the Cornell Research Program on Self-Injury and Recovery to be a great place to start. See the link in our bio for more information. Their whole website is full of accurate and helpful info on healing from self-injury—I recommended them to many people in my practice.

Hope and Healing,

The Anonymous Psychiatrist

Question 8

Can you recommend resources and books on healing from sexual abuse?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. There are several valuable books and resources available that can support your healing journey from sexual abuse. Some books we recommend include:

"The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk explores how trauma affects the brain and body, offering insights into treating traumatic stress and new paths to recovery. It provides a comprehensive look at the nature of trauma and its impact on our physical and mental well-being.

Judith Herman's "Trauma and Recovery" is a groundbreaking work that examines the healing process of survivors and the challenges faced by those dealing with prolonged, repeated trauma. It offers a framework for understanding trauma and a roadmap for recovery, making it a valuable resource for many survivors.

"The Courage to Heal" by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis is a comprehensive guide specifically for survivors of child sexual abuse and their loved ones. It provides practical tools, exercises, and personal testimonies to support the healing journey.

For those looking to understand the broader context of sexual violence and advocacy, Tarana Burke's "Unbound: My Story of Liberation and the Birth of the Me Too Movement" offers powerful insights. Burke shares her personal journey from victim to survivor to activist, detailing the origins of the Me Too movement and exploring the importance of community in addressing sexual violence.

Chanel Miller's memoir "Know My Name" also provides a searing, eloquent account of trauma, healing, and the challenges within the justice system in handling sexual assault cases. Miller reclaims her identity after being known as "Emily Doe" in a high-profile sexual assault case, offering a profound exploration of the recovery process.

In addition to these books, online resources like the RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) and me too's Survivor Sanctuary website offer extensive information, support, and access to hotlines (RAINN) for immediate help.

Thank you for asking this question. You are not alone.

Question 9

What is self-blame and how can I manage it?

Accepted Answer

Self-blame is a complicated feeling that often accompanies past abuse or trauma. Self-blame can be felt for a variety of reasons. For example, sometimes survivors feel that their behavior encouraged or caused harm to occur to them. Other times survivors may blame themselves for the trauma symptoms they carry afterwards or “not healing fast enough.”

While it is important to be responsible for our healing and hold ourselves accountable for our actions, recognize that no matter what you said or did, no one deserves to be violated. You are not to blame for your experiences. It is not your fault. Full stop.

Self-blame is a reflection of societal norms and the messages we internalize about gender and violence throughout our lives. We receive many messages that promote victim-blaming beliefs which can be reinforced by those around us. Self-blame is also affected by the way our friends and loved ones respond to our personal disclosures of trauma and in questions they ask.

Unlearning self-blame is a long and challenging process, as it’s embedded in so many parts of our daily lives. From the society we live in, to our social circles, to our own experiences. Just because you feel guilty does not mean that those feelings are accurate.

When you feel self-blame, ask yourself whether your feeling is actually appropriate. How would you respond to a friend if they blamed themselves for the same thing? Show the same kindness and understanding to yourself.

Sometimes it also helps to learn more about the societal norms that reinforce self-blame. Naming them and recognizing how they manifest in your world can give these messages less power.

Separate yourself as much as you can from individuals that perpetuate or reinforce the blame you feel. Oftentimes people who blame others are carrying their own internalized self-blame for something they experienced in their past.

Over 60% of survivors report feeling responsible in some way for the abuse they experienced. Know that you are not alone, but also know that you are never responsible for the harmful or abusive actions of another person. Protect your energy and prioritize healing—you deserve to feel peace. Be gentle with yourself.

Question 10

How do I deal with family members who do not take my traumatic history seriously?

Accepted Answer

It can be incredibly upsetting and frustrating to deal with people who don’t take your traμma seriously, particularly when those people are your own family. People often misunderstand what traμma actually is and the different ways it can affect someone.

A common and persistent stereotype is the belief that post-traμmatic stress disorder (PTSD) and related symptoms only occur in war veterans, and that survivors of viφlence or abμse don’t get PTSD. This isn’t true. Any traμmatic experience can have serious psychological effects.

You might encounter people who don’t believe you, who belittle your experiences, or who refuse to acknowledge the psychological impact traμma has had on you. Remember that your traμma is real and your feelings are valid regardless of what other people think or say.

It can be exhausting (and often unattainable) to change the minds of those who choose not to take your traμma seriously. It can feel isolating to be misunderstood in this way and to not receive the support you deserve.

Regardless of the reasoning behind your family member not taking your traμma seriously, you might consider talking to them about how this makes you feel. Depending on your relationship and comfort level, a conversation might (or might not) be the right approach.

Talking to the family member can help them better understand your traμma and how it affects you. It can be an opportunity to express your needs and goals for your recovery. You may also learn about their own personal traumas which may be interfering with them giving your experiences the attention they deserve.

Sometimes difficult conversations don’t go the way you intend. It is brave and admirable to advocate for yourself, regardless of the outcome. If your family member chooses not to be understanding, that is not a reflection of you. You may need to look outside of your family network to find reliable support.

When a family member belittles your traμma, it can be hard to not internalize it and take it to heart. What you are asking for is a reasonable and valid request. You deserve to be heard, and you deserve to be supported in the ways that you need.

Question 11

If I want to seek professional help for my experiences, what are my options?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for joining us on this FAQ journey. As we finish this series, we want to remind you about all of the professional options available to you to help in your healing journey. Remember that this process is different for everyone and not everyone chooses to engage in formal services.

Rape Crisis Center--these centers are community-based organizations that provide free, confidential services to anyone impacted by sexual violence. Their services can range from intervention, prevention, advocacy, counseling, and education.

Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner (SANE)--these nurses have received special training to conduct sexual assault evidence collection for survivors. SANEs are trained in providing medical, psychological, and forensic exams. These individuals are on-call 24 hours a day and are available whether or not you are sure you want to report.

Mental health counselor--these counselors help patients achieve emotional wellness through curated treatment plans. Finding the right counselor can be difficult. As you research local options, it is important to know what you are looking for in treatment, what type of specialist you would like to see, and remember, it isn’t always a perfect match on the first try.

Reporting--you can report your experience as a crime to local law enforcement via  800.656.HOPE (4673), contacting your local police department, or visiting a medical center or hospital for an exam.

Restorative justice options--this can occur both within or outside the legal system. Under a restorative justice approach, if your perpetrator admits wrongdoing, you can go through a restorative process with a trained facilitator to explain the impact of their actions and set benchmarks they can work towards to repair harm.

Professional services are not for everyone. If you decide you aren’t ready to share your story with anyone out loud yet, consider sharing your story with us at Our Wave (www.ourwave.org).

Whatever you choose, know that we’re right by your side. You’ve got this. Healing is possible.

Question 12

How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

Healing from trauma is not a linear process, and it’s common and completely normal to have days that feel a lot worse than others. Having a bad day does not mean you are not improving. It does not mean that you are getting worse.

If you take a step back and think about where you were when you first began your healing process, it can help you see the larger picture and find the improvements you have made and the growth you’ve experienced.

Throughout recovery, it’s important to be kind to yourself. Some days will be easier than others and some days will be harder. You do not have to hold yourself to the same standards and expectations as your best day. It is okay to be gentle with yourself, to prioritize your mental well-being, and to take it easy—if you are able.

Try to engage in an activity that you enjoy or that has helped you feel better in the past when you’ve had a difficult day. This could be a calm or relaxing activity like reading a book or watching a tv show, it could also be an opportunity to express how you are feeling through art or writing.

If talking to other people is your preferred way to relax and feel better, reach out to a friend, partner, or someone who you trust. It is okay to reach out for help on a difficult day.

Even years into recovery, it’s normal to have a bad day pop up unexpectedly now and again. Sometimes a triggering experience can set off a bad day, but other times they just appear out of the blue.

However, the further you get into your recovery journey, the stronger you become at recognizing the signs that a difficult day is happening. You become more resilient and able to cope with the feelings and challenges that accompany a bad trauma day.

Question 13

How does forgiveness play into trauma recovery?

Accepted Answer

Forgiveness plays an incredibly complicated and sometimes contentious role in the traμma recovery. After experiencing traμma, it is not uncommon for people to tell you that forgiveness is the only path forward to recovery. However, this is not entirely true.

The decision to forgive or not forgive is highly personal, and the broader role of forgiveness in recovery varies substantially. Studies show mixed findings as to whether forgiveness facilitates or hinders recovery after a traμmatic experience.

Some research suggests that forgiving after abμse or viφlence fosters post-traμmatic growth. Other research, however, suggests that forgiveness can also be detrimental to recovery. How do we make sense of these conflicting messages?

Perhaps it’s not the act of forgiving itself that facilitates healing, but what forgiveness provides to you as a survivor. What matters are the feelings and thoughts that lie beneath the surface and accompany your choice to forgive.

Does forgiveness feel right to you? Is it necessary for your healing? The choice to forgive is often tied to your belief systems, the attitudes you hold, and your religious or cultural background. It also may be tied to your particular traμmatic circumstance (e.g. your relationship to the person who harmed you or how they responded to the harm caused).

For some, choosing to forgive a perpetrator can be a cathartic experience that helps “release” negative thoughts and debilitating feelings. For others, it can cause justified resentment or anger that can make their trauma feel unseen. For many, in their eyes, what happened to them is unforgivable—and that is okay.

Overall, most survivors share that the most important forgiveness they learned to extend is to themselves. Survivors often feel guilt or shame for their traμma and the difficulties they experience afterward. You are not responsible for the things you experienced. Be gentle with yourself.

Forgiveness looks different for everyone. While some may not choose to forgive, if you do, it does not make what the person did to you okay. It’s your choice to decide what role forgiveness will play (or not play) in your own recovery. You know yourself best.

Question 14

Can you talk about sexting coercion?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for asking this question! Especially during COVID, sexting coercion is something that many people can experience now that we are limiting our in-person exposure to others. The access we have to other people through the avenue of technology comes with both opportunities and threats. We have various experiences online, from connecting with new people to catching up with old friends. Technology has infiltrated every aspect of our culture, including sexual violence.

Coercion is when a person is forced to do something they would not normally choose to do because threats are made against their safety or well-being. Sexting is the act of sending sexually explicit messages or images through the internet or one’s phone. Sexting Coercion is when someone, from an intimate partner to a stranger, pressures or manipulates another person to participate in sexting.

Sexting coercion could not only jeopardize one's physical safety, but one's emotional safety as well. As compared to other forms of dating aggression, researchers have noted the unique potential of sexting coercion, especially when it prompts unwanted sexting, to produce future psychological trauma due to concerns about the recipient sharing the images.

While sexting can be consensual and a form of intimacy for some, it can also be harmful and traumatic for others. Just because a sexually explicit photo or message was sent does not automatically mean that the sender wanted to share it. In a study, it was found that sexting coercion was related to both physical sex coercion and intimate partner violence, which suggests that sexting coercion may be a form of intimate partner violence, providing perpetrators with a new, digital route for physical and sexual victimization. Experiencing sexual violence can lead to sexting coercion and vice versa.

Sexting coercion can be a form of control or manipulation for an abuser. Being pressured or persuaded to send something you don't want to send is not okay. Brushing off instances where a person coerced another person to do something they were uncomfortable with is not okay. As technology continues to advance, we need to fight for online safety and acknowledge that conversations around what is consensual over the internet are important.

Question 15

Is it possible to get flashbacks despite being healed? Does feeling nothing mean I've healed?

Accepted Answer

Many survivors of sexual violence describe recovery as an ongoing process that takes time. You might notice some days feel really good, while other days are more difficult to get through.

There are so many different ways our bodies & minds respond to trauma. While we are all unique in our experiences, & in the ways we cope & recover, there are some patterns & commonalities that many survivors share.

Survivors of trauma tend to experience symptoms that fall into four broad categories: intrusion, avoidance, changes in mood/cognition, & reactivity. Intrusive symptoms include flashbacks, as well as distressing memories and upsetting nightmares.

Numbness is usually a mood-related symptom. It manifests as feeling emotionally distant, disconnected from others, or even disconnected from yourself. For some, numbness is an avoidance symptom. It can be your brain’s attempt to protect you from intense feelings or memories.

It’s incredibly common for survivors of trauma or violence to continue to experience traumatic stress symptoms weeks, months, or even years later. Having a flashback when you thought you were fully healed does not mean you are not making progress.

Recovery isn’t defined by the absence of all symptoms or memories of your trauma. It can be measured by the strength & resiliency you exhibit just by showing up each day & trying your best.

Recovery can be the length of time that grows between your flashbacks, or it could be learning & trying a new coping mechanism. You get to decide how you want to measure your recovery, and what is important to you.

Your path might look different or move at a faster/slower pace compared to someone else. Being healed is not a destination, but a lifelong journey taken one step at a time with support & understanding.

If your flashbacks or feelings of numbness persist, or if you notice that they are interfering with your life in a way that affects your daily functioning or relationships--it might be time to involve others in your healing.

Whether that’s a partner, friend, family member, trusted adult, or mental health professional--it’s always okay to ask for help. You don’t have to go through recovery alone.

Question 16

How can I deal with the mental and cognitive impacts of my trauma?

Accepted Answer

Most people experience some form of emotional or cognitive symptoms after trauma. But, just because it’s common doesn’t mean that it’s always easy to cope with.

Some common emotional effects of trauma are fear, numbness or detachment, heightened emotional reactivity, depression, guilt, and irritability. Some common cognitive effects include difficulties concentrating or remembering things, nightmares, disorientation, or intrusive thoughts.

Symptoms manifest differently across people. Sometimes they can cause substantial distress and interference with your ability to function day-to-day. Sometimes, symptoms are mild or barely noticeable symptoms.

There is no right or wrong way to be affected by trauma, just like there is no right or wrong way to heal after trauma. It can be overwhelming and even scary to feel such intense emotions, but remember that you are not alone in feeling any of these things.

When you’ve been sad, anxious, or angry in the past, what has helped you feel better? Journaling, creating art, or writing can help to express difficult feelings. Getting adequate sleep, establishing a routine, eating enough, and finding ways to be physically active can also improve symptoms.

Consider reaching out to friends, family, and/or loved ones for support. You don’t have to disclose your trauma if you are uncomfortable with that. It’s okay to just spend time with people who support and care about you.

Sometimes you might need extra support in more tangible ways. Asking for help around your living space or requesting extensions on deadlines can lessen your stress load, and help facilitate recovery.

When coping with the impacts of trauma, be kind to yourself throughout the process. How you feel right now, is not likely how you will feel forever. Often, these symptoms will decrease naturally over time with patience and persistence.

If you notice your symptoms are not improving or that you need help coping with them, you might consider reaching out to a mental health professional. However this choice is up to you if you feel comfortable and ready.

Just because these experiences are common, does not mean you should suffer in silence. It is never a sign of weakness to seek help. Remember that you are in control of your recovery and how you choose to cope is up to you.

Question 17

How can someone become an effective advocate against sexual violence?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question and for wanting to strengthen your advocacy for survivors of sexual harm. Becoming an effective advocate against sexual violence is a meaningful way to support survivors and contribute to positive change in society. Here are some ways you can start...

Educate yourself thoroughly about sexual violence, consent, and survivor experiences. This includes understanding the various forms of sexual violence, its prevalence, and its impact on individuals and communities. Stay informed about current issues, laws, and policies related to sexual violence.

Learn to be a supportive listener and ally to survivors. Believe survivors when they disclose their experiences and avoid judgmental or victim-blaming language. You never know when a survivor is listening. Understand that each survivor's journey is unique, and respect their choices in how they deal with their experiences.

Challenge myths and misconceptions about sexual violence when you encounter them. This might involve correcting misinformation in conversations, on social media, or in other public forums. Call out victim blaming when you hear it. Be prepared to have difficult conversations and to explain complex issues in accessible ways.

Support organizations working to prevent sexual violence and help survivors. This can involve volunteering, donating, or participating in awareness-raising events. Look for local rape crisis centers, domestic violence shelters, or national organizations that may need support. Quick plug: small, volunteer-led, non-profit organizations like ourselves always benefit from monetary support or volunteer support if you have gifts or talents you think align with our mission and vision. Every little bit helps.

Promote healthy relationships and consent education in your community. This could involve advocating for comprehensive sex education in schools, organizing workshops on consent and healthy relationships, or simply modeling respectful behavior in your own relationships.

Speak out against attitudes and behaviors that contribute to a culture of sexual violence. This includes challenging sexist jokes, calling out harassment when you see it, and promoting gender equality in all areas of life.

Engage with local and national policy-making processes. Write to your representatives about legislation related to sexual violence, attend town hall meetings, or join advocacy groups that lobby for policy changes.

Use your specific skills or platform to raise awareness. Whether you're a writer, artist, educator, or business professional, find ways to incorporate advocacy into your work and daily life.

Practice self-care and set boundaries. Advocacy work can be emotionally challenging, so it's important to take care of your own wellbeing to avoid burnout.

Remember, effective advocacy is often about consistent, long-term efforts rather than grand gestures. Every action, no matter how small, contributes to creating a culture that supports survivors and works to prevent sexual violence.

Question 18

Child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA): Can a victim be older than their perpetrator?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. Yes, it is possible for a victim of child-on-child sexual abuse to be older than their perpetrator. Child-on-child sexual abuse involves a minor engaging in sexually abusive behavior towards another minor. In such cases, the age difference between the survivor and the perpetrator can vary, and it is not solely dependent on the chronological age of the individuals involved.

Factors such as the emotional, cognitive, and physical development of the individuals, as well as the power dynamics within the relationship, can contribute to situations where an older child is the victim of sexual abuse by a younger child. These dynamics can be complex and influenced by various factors, including social and environmental conditions, family circumstances, exposure to inappropriate behaviors, and lack of proper education on boundaries and consent.

If you experienced child-on-child sexual abuse, you are not alone.

Question 19

What should I do if my partner pushes my boundaries in a way that makes me uncomfortable?

Accepted Answer

Healthy boundaries are an important part of any relationship—whether it’s romantic, platonic, or familial. As traμma survivors, boundaries are important to ensure we feel safe, secure, and able to put our well being first in relationships. This builds a strong foundation for healthy, mutually satisfying love going forward.

When a partner breaks your boundaries, it's common and understandable to feel hurt and betrayed. Consider using this situation, however, an opportunity to revisit a conversation about relationship norms.

To start, it can be helpful to communicate how you are feeling to your partner. This shares how their actions impacted you and why this boundary is important. You may also be able to better understand your partner’s intentions and feelings.

Was your partner aware of your boundary before crossing it? If your partner didn’t know, this can be a chance to clarify relationship expectations and needs. They may want to share their own boundaries too. Communication is key.

If your partner knew about your boundary, and chose to break it anyway—ask yourself why? Are they not respecting you and the limits you’ve established? Depending on the situation, this may be a red flag.

Some of your boundaries might be flexible, and you might feel comfortable adjusting them based on your partner’s needs. Other boundaries might be more rigid and set in stone—both types are important to have. You deserve to feel respected and heard in all of your relationships.

You are allowed to set limits and establish boundaries that protect you and that make you feel safe. You are allowed to expect people to respect those limits—as long as the boundaries don’t cause harm to someone else.

After experiencing abuse in a relationship, research shows that people tend to develop stricter boundaries with new partners. These boundaries typically become more flexible as trust, understanding, and mutual respect develops over time.

While it’s natural for our boundaries to evolve over time, ensuring we voice them is important to develop safety and security within a partnership.

Question 20

What is the cycle of abuse and how can this cycle be broken?

Accepted Answer

Statistically, those who are abused as a child are more likely to grow up to have abusive relationships either where they are revictimized or become abusive themselves. This pattern is known as the cycle of abuse. Just because this is a common cycle, however, does not mean we cannot break it.

There are a variety of factors that can lead to the cycle of abuse including psychological changes related to anger, trust, control, and insecurity. When abuse is all the survivor has known, it is difficult to understand and realize that healthy relationships are possible.

Survivors may not recognize what healthy relationships look like or they may mistakenly believe that they do not deserve “real love.” This can cause them to lash out and harm others, or be manipulated by others who want to cause them further harm.

For some, harming others may be related to attempting to “undo” their past trauma by being the one in power and regaining control. However, this is a futile process and often only creates more pain for those involved.

This answer is not meant to justify abuse or to blame survivors for what they have experienced. While we can understand why the cycle of abuse occurs, we cannot harm others just because someone harmed us.

Breaking the cycle of abuse is a challenging topic. As a survivor it is important to recognize signs of cycle abuse, become aware of your risk factors, learn how to identify and manage your emotions, and recognize that healing takes time.

Studies show that enhancing safe, stable, and nurturing relationships with intimate partners and with children during early adulthood can decrease the odds that a survivor of sexual assault will become a perpetrator themselves. Work towards developing those healthy relationships once ready.

It is important to acknowledge that while 12% of men who were sexually abused in childhood went on to commit sexual offences, being sexually abused does not cause someone to become a perpetrator. The majority of boys who are sexually abused do not go on to commit abuse.

We are not responsible for what happened to us, but we are responsible for our own healing. In order to break a cycle, we must recognize it first.

Welcome to Our Wave.

Questions & Answers

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Topics

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

How do I understand why something triggers me?

There is so much going on in the world. My trauma feels insignificant compared to what others are going through. How do I manage that?

What should I do if I am unable to leave an unhealthy environment?

What is the rape kit backlog and what are my evidence collecting options?

Why do I self-harm and what is the best way to stop?

Can you recommend resources and books on healing from sexual abuse?

What is self-blame and how can I manage it?

How do I deal with family members who do not take my traumatic history seriously?

If I want to seek professional help for my experiences, what are my options?

How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

How does forgiveness play into trauma recovery?

Can you talk about sexting coercion?

Is it possible to get flashbacks despite being healed? Does feeling nothing mean I've healed?

How can I deal with the mental and cognitive impacts of my trauma?

How can someone become an effective advocate against sexual violence?

Child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA): Can a victim be older than their perpetrator?

What should I do if my partner pushes my boundaries in a way that makes me uncomfortable?

What is the cycle of abuse and how can this cycle be broken?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

There is so much going on in the world. My trauma feels insignificant compared to what others are going through. How do I manage that?

Why do I self-harm and what is the best way to stop?

How do I deal with family members who do not take my traumatic history seriously?

How does forgiveness play into trauma recovery?

How can I deal with the mental and cognitive impacts of my trauma?

What should I do if my partner pushes my boundaries in a way that makes me uncomfortable?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

What should I do if I am unable to leave an unhealthy environment?

Can you recommend resources and books on healing from sexual abuse?

If I want to seek professional help for my experiences, what are my options?

Can you talk about sexting coercion?

How can someone become an effective advocate against sexual violence?

What is the cycle of abuse and how can this cycle be broken?

How do I understand why something triggers me?

What is the rape kit backlog and what are my evidence collecting options?

What is self-blame and how can I manage it?

How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

Is it possible to get flashbacks despite being healed? Does feeling nothing mean I've healed?

Child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA): Can a victim be older than their perpetrator?

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