Find Answers to Your Questions ~ Our Wave Community

Question 1

Is it normal to have confusion about intimate childhood experiences with a cousin who was two years older?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your question. It's completely understandable to have questions about childhood experiences, especially as you reflect on them later in life. Exploring curiosity about bodies and sexuality is a natural part of growing up, and it's not uncommon for children close in age to engage in some form of exploration with peers or relatives.

When children engage in activities like touching each other, several factors are important to consider, such as age, understanding, consent, and whether any coercion was involved. In situations where children are close in age, like you and your cousin who was two years older, and if the interactions were consensual and without pressure or manipulation, it is often viewed as a part of normal childhood development.

However, it's also important to recognize that family dynamics and cultural or familial beliefs can add layers of complexity to these experiences. Feelings about such events can vary greatly from person to person. Some may look back without significant concern, while others might feel confusion or discomfort when reflecting on the past.

If thinking about this experience brings up any troubling feelings or if you're unsure about how it has affected you, it might be helpful to talk to someone you trust or a mental health professional who can provide support. They can offer a safe space to explore your thoughts and feelings more deeply.

Remember, you're not alone in wondering about past experiences, and reaching out shows a willingness to understand yourself better. Be kind to yourself as you navigate these reflections.

Question 2

Why did my cousin and I touch each other's private parts when we were little? Is this normal or does it mean something concerning?

Accepted Answer

It's completely understandable to wonder about childhood memories like these. When we look back on our early years, it's natural to have questions about behaviors that seem confusing or surprising in hindsight, and it's brave of you to seek information to better understand what happened.

Sexual curiosity in childhood is a normal part of human development. During childhood, especially in the early years, children are naturally curious about their bodies and the world around them. Young children naturally explore their own bodies and sometimes show curiosity about other children's bodies of similar age, including cousins or siblings. Exploring private parts is often a part of normal development as children try to make sense of physical differences and similarities. At a young age, they may not fully grasp the concept of privacy or understand the social and personal boundaries that adults recognize. Touching each other's private parts can be a way for children to satisfy their curiosity, learn about themselves, and engage in exploratory play.

This type of mutual exploration between children of similar ages is generally considered part of normal development when it occurs without coercion, when both children participate voluntarily, and when there isn't a significant age or power difference between them. It's important to remember that children operate with a limited understanding of sexuality and boundaries. Young children don't have the same understanding of sexuality that adults do, and this exploration usually comes from natural curiosity rather than adult sexual motivations. They often learn through play and mimicry, imitating behaviors they see or hear about without fully comprehending their implications. What might seem inappropriate or alarming to us as adults is often, in the mind of a child, an innocent exploration without harmful intent.

As we grow older and gain a better understanding of personal boundaries and societal norms, looking back on these experiences can sometimes evoke feelings of confusion, embarrassment, or concern. It's completely normal to re-examine past behaviors with the knowledge and perspective we have now. These feelings may also arise because discussions about sexuality and body boundaries are often sensitive topics, and they can bring up complex emotions. However, we recognize that some childhood experiences can cause confusion or complicated feelings later in life, especially if there were elements of pressure, secrecy, or if one child was significantly older or had more power. Your feelings about these experiences are completely valid, whatever they may be. Some people may feel perfectly fine about these memories, while others may experience confusion, guilt, or distress.

If you're feeling unsettled or if these memories are causing you distress, it might be helpful to talk to someone you trust, such as a close friend, family member, or a professional who can offer support. They can help you better understand your experiences within the broader context of your life and development, and support you in processing any feelings you have about it. Sharing your thoughts can provide clarity and relief, and it might help you process these feelings in a safe and understanding environment.

Please know that childhood curiosity is a common part of development, and questioning these experiences is a natural part of growing and reflecting. You're not alone in feeling this way, and reaching out shows a great deal of courage and self-awareness. If you ever feel the need to talk more about this or explore these feelings further, support is available to help you navigate your thoughts and emotions. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 3

Can power imbalances exist between same-aged peers, even when there's no disability involved? How does a lack of sex education or guidance impact the overall dynamics in a child-on-child sexual assault (COCSA) situation?

Accepted Answer

Yes, power imbalances can certainly exist between peers who are the same age, such as two 14-year-olds, even when there is no disability involved. Age is just one factor in a complex interplay of dynamics that contribute to power in relationships. Other factors like physical size, emotional maturity, intellectual development, social status, prior experiences, and even personality traits can create significant imbalances between individuals of the same age.

For instance, one 14-year-old might be more physically developed, giving them an advantage in strength or size. Another might possess greater social influence, perhaps being more popular or charismatic, which can sway peer opinions and create pressure. Differences in emotional maturity can also play a role; a child who is more adept at understanding and manipulating emotions might exert control over a peer who is less emotionally developed.

In the context of Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse (COCSA), these power differentials become especially important. When one child has more power—whether physically, socially, or emotionally—they may exert control over another child, even if unintentionally. This can lead to situations where the less empowered child feels unable to refuse or resist unwanted behaviors, including sexual activities. The presence of a power imbalance means that genuine consent cannot be freely given, as the less powerful child may comply out of fear, coercion, or a desire to please.

When considering a child who has not received any sex education or guidance, the dynamics become even more complex. Lack of sex education can leave a child uninformed about their own rights, bodily autonomy, and the concept of consent. They may not recognize inappropriate behavior or understand that they have the right to refuse unwanted advances. This absence of knowledge can make them more vulnerable to exploitation, especially if the other child is more informed or manipulative.

Additionally, without proper guidance, a child may not have the language or confidence to articulate their discomfort or to seek help from trusted adults. They might feel confused about what is happening, blame themselves, or believe that such behaviors are normal. This can lead to silence and secrecy, allowing the abuse to continue unchecked.

Overall, power imbalances among same-aged peers can create environments where COCSA occurs, particularly when combined with a lack of sex education. It's crucial for all children to have access to comprehensive sex education that includes information about consent, boundaries, and respect for oneself and others. Open communication with trusted adults can also empower children to speak up if something doesn't feel right.

Remember, every child deserves to feel safe and respected, regardless of their age or level of education. Recognizing that power imbalances can exist among peers is an important step in addressing and preventing COCSA, ensuring that all children have the knowledge and support they need to protect themselves and each other.

Question 4

From ages 7 to 12, my younger sisters sexually assaulted me. I've also experienced what might be psychosis since age 6, though I can't confirm this professionally. I'm certain about the sexual assault, but I'm unsure how much of my memories are real versus delusions. My parents dismissed my experiences, saying "it's not real" or "it doesn't matter because they're younger and you don't have a right to feel violated." There was also significant non-sexual trauma. Is there a way to make sense of my childhood without therapy or medication, since I lack financial resources? I still live with my parents who provide financial support, and they wouldn't approve of me seeking therapy.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story with us. It takes a great deal of courage to talk about what you've been through, especially when you haven't had the support you deserve. I'm sorry to hear that you're facing these challenges, and you have every right to feel the way you do.

What you experienced was real and significant, and your feelings about it are completely valid. When parents dismiss or minimize a child's experiences of harm, it creates additional layers of trauma that can be profoundly confusing and painful. Your right to feel safe and respected in your body exists regardless of the age of the person who violated those boundaries, and regardless of family dynamics or what others have told you.

The uncertainty you're experiencing about what memories are "real" is actually quite common among trauma survivors, especially when the trauma occurred during childhood and when trusted adults dismissed or denied your experiences. This kind of doubt often develops as a protective mechanism when our reality is repeatedly questioned or invalidated by others. The confusion between potential psychosis symptoms and trauma memories can feel overwhelming, but both experiences deserve acknowledgment and care.

Regarding the experiences you're describing as potentially psychotic, it's important to know that trauma, especially childhood trauma, can sometimes manifest in ways that might seem similar to psychosis symptoms. Dissociation, flashbacks, hypervigilance, and other trauma responses can sometimes be confusing to distinguish from other mental health experiences. What you're experiencing—whether it's trauma-related symptoms, psychosis, or a combination—deserves professional attention when possible. While you may not have immediate access to comprehensive mental health care, these experiences, especially if they've been present since age 6, suggest that professional support could be particularly important for your wellbeing and safety.

Making sense of your childhood experiences can be difficult, but there are ways to begin processing your feelings even without access to therapy or medication. Journaling can be a powerful way to explore and understand your feelings. Writing down your thoughts and emotions doesn't need to follow any structure, just let your thoughts flow onto the page. This can help you identify patterns and gain insights into how your past affects you now. Creative expression through activities like drawing, painting, writing poetry, or playing music can provide an outlet for emotions that are hard to express verbally and may help you process complex feelings.

Educating yourself through trauma-informed self-help books from your library can provide frameworks for understanding how childhood trauma affects the mind and body. Online resources from organizations like RAINN, the National Child Traumatic Stress Network, or the American Psychologial Association offer free information and articles about trauma recovery. Reading about how others who have faced similar experiences coped and healed might provide comfort and strategies you can relate to. Knowing you're not alone can make a significant difference.

Online support communities and forums can offer a sense of community and connection with others who have gone through similar situations, providing understanding and validation. Be sure to choose safe, moderated, professional platforms where you feel comfortable sharing. Mindfulness and relaxation techniques like deep breathing exercises, meditation, or yoga can help manage stress and increase self-awareness, providing moments of calm when emotions feel overwhelming. Regular physical activity, even something as simple as walking, can have a positive impact on your mood and overall well-being while helping reduce stress.

Creating safety and stability in your current environment is crucial. If possible, create personal boundaries that make you feel safer and more in control, This might involve finding private time for yourself or engaging in activities that your family isn't involved in. Consider thinking about steps you might take toward independence when the time is right, as having goals can provide hope and something positive to work toward.

Free or low-cost support options might be available even without your parents' knowledge. Many areas have crisis hotlines that offer anonymous support and information about local resources. Some communities have sliding-scale counseling services or support groups, and college campuses sometimes offer training clinics where graduate students provide supervised therapy at reduced rates. Community mental health centers often provide services on a sliding fee scale based on income. If you're experiencing symptoms that feel concerning or unsafe, emergency mental health services are available through crisis lines or emergency rooms, and these services are typically confidential regardless of your living situation.

Remember, healing is a personal journey, and it's okay to take it one step at a time. Be patient and kind to yourself. Your experiences and feelings are important, and you deserve support and understanding. Please know that you're not alone, and there are people who care about you and want to help. Take care of yourself.

Question 5

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

The healing process can be an opportunity to regain the control and autonomy that is often taken away during a traumatic experience. You are in the driver seat of your recovery and you decide how you want to navigate your healing and what’s best for you.

Setting goals or benchmarks is one way to measure your growth and celebrate small wins as you recover after trauma. If you choose to set goals, remember that everyone heals in their own way and in their own time.

Be patient with your progress and compassionate toward yourself. Try not to compare your own growth to someone else’s—your path to recovery is yours and only yours.

What do you want to achieve? It can help to think about what’s important to you and what inspires you. You can work on something personal (like thinking more positively) or something more tangible (like making time for friends you’ve lost touch with).

Choosing goals that are specific and measurable makes them easier to achieve. Saying one kind thing to yourself daily for two weeks is a specific and measurable goal to think more positively. You can easily track it and tell if you’ve successfully accomplished it or not.

Once you choose a goal, think about whether it’s realistic for where you are right now in your healing process. Be gentle with yourself and the benchmarks you select. It’s okay if you don’t achieve a goal you set the first time. Large goals can be broken into smaller, more easily attainable goals. No goal is too small. Keep things simple. You will get there.

It’s helpful to have a mix of both short and long-term goals. How many goals are you focusing on at the same time? Focusing your attention on 2-3 goals at a time can make it easier to keep track of them.

You don’t have to recover or set goals alone. It’s okay to reach out to people you trust. Extra support and motivation can help you achieve your goals. It’s up to you to decide who you want to involve in your recovery process, even if it’s just having someone to celebrate with.

When you accomplish a goal, take a moment to take in your achievement. Acknowledge and celebrate growth, even if it’s small. It’s proof that you are still moving forward. Healing from trauma is hard work. It is not a straight-forward or easy process. It takes time, and you may experience setbacks along the way, but you can do it.

Question 6

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Accepted Answer

It is not uncommon for survivors to experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, including sexual arousal. This can be especially distressing for individuals who may feel guilty or ashamed for feeling aroused in response to a traumatic event.

Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. It is a physiological response that can be triggered by a wide range of stimuli, including thoughts, memories, and sensations. In the case of sexual assault survivors, it is possible that the body's natural response to physical stimulation may be triggered by memories or thoughts related to the assault, even if these thoughts and memories are not wanted or desired.

It is important to note that experiencing sexual arousal in response to memories of sexual assault is not an indication of consent or enjoyment of the assault. It is simply a physical response that the body may have learned to make in certain situations. If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. They can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions.

Thank you for asking this tough question. You are not alone.

Question 7

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

Accepted Answer

When a loved one is going through a difficult time in their healing journey, they may look to you for support or encouragement.  However, it is important to remember that your own mental health is important too. Trauma is extremely painful and sometimes no matter what you do as a bystander, it can feel like not enough. At times like these, you may need to set boundaries to ensure that your needs are addressed as well.

Setting boundaries can be difficult, especially if you have not had much practice. First, think about what your needs and limits are. This can include the level of financial, emotional, and physical help you are willing to provide. When you are ready, share with your loved one in a calm situation, rather than in the heat of the moment. Use “I” statements to show your perspective. After you have communicated these boundaries, it is important to follow through and re-emphasize them when needed. Resist feelings of guilt. This does not mean you do not care about them.

You can also help by suggesting other means of support. Therapists or local crisis centers have experience working with people with trauma and are trained to help. You may also find these services helpful for your own processing. It is not uncommon for local crisis centers to  also offer services for loved ones of those who have experienced trauma.

Just because someone has experienced trauma, does not mean that they have a right to take their anger out on you. If you feel that you are being verbally, physically, or sexually harmed, set a limit if it feels safe, remove yourself from the situation, and seek help if you need it.

It can be difficult to help your friends if you run out of emotional or physical energy. Focusing on your own self-care is not selfish, it sometimes may be necessary. As the saying goes, put your mask on first...then offer assistance.

Question 8

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for your question. If you have not experienced any form of gender-based harm, it might be hard to imagine why survivors who go through these horrific experiences do not always report them. Unfortunately, due to the characteristics of one's sexual harm experience, the lack of protection for survivors, and historical injustices within the criminal-legal system, gender-based violence is the most underreported crime. For example, it is estimated that 63% of sexual assaults are not reported to police and only 12% of child sexual abuse is reported to the authorities.

There are many reasons why survivors may feel hesitant to report their experience. We will list a few of these reasons below:

It is not safe for them to report the assault at this time or they fear perpetrator or family retaliation.
They want to put the incident behind them or forget it happened.
They aren’t sure that what happened meets the legal definition of sexual assault or rape.
They are in shock.
They feel shame or self-blame.
They fear not being believed or being socially isolated from friends or family
They fear being blamed.
They fear being revictimized by law enforcement or the court.
They fear that they will not receive justice.
They fear that their offender will not be held accountable.

Whatever the reason, and there are many more, remember that ultimately it is the survivor's choice whether or not they want to report their experience. For some, reporting is not necessary for their healing. Others just do not want to go through any additional trauma or heartache. Support and respect the choices the survivors in your life make related to reporting. This will make you a valuable ally as they navigate healing in the aftermath.

References

Rennison, C. A. (2002). Rape and sexual assault: Reporting to police and medical attention, 1992-2000 [NCJ 194530]. Retrieved from the U.S. Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics: http://bjs.ojp.usdoj.gov/content/pub/pdf/rsarp00.pdf

Hanson, R. F., Resnick, H. S., Saunders, B. E., Kilpatrick, D. G., & Best, C. (1999). Factors related to the reporting of childhood rape. Child Abuse and Neglect, 23,559–569. doi:10.1016/S0145-2134(99)00028-9

Question 9

My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for this question. We really appreciate you reaching out to find out how to best support the healing of your girlfriend. When your girlfriend shared her experience of sexual assault with you, she placed a great deal of trust in you. It's important to approach the situation with empathy, patience, and understanding.

To start, be sure to listen without judgment when she talks about her assault. If she wants to talk about it more with you, listen actively and avoid asking probing questions or pushing for details she's not ready to share. Let her know you believe her and that the assault was not her fault.

Additionally, it is important to respect her boundaries. She may have triggers or certain situations that make her uncomfortable. Be understanding and follow her lead in terms of physical intimacy and emotional discussions.

If it seems like she is actively struggling mentally or emotionally related to this experience, you may want to gently suggest the idea of seeking help from a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. You might even offer to help her find resources or even accompany her to appointments if she wants. If she is not ready yet for external resources, respect her autonomy and let her know you are always ready to revisit the conversation if she changes her mind. Healing from sexual assault is a process that looks different for everyone. Avoid pressuring her to "move on" or heal faster than she is ready for.

Finally, it is also important that you take care of yourself throughout this process. Supporting a loved one through trauma can be emotionally challenging as you may have to manage your own emotions related to the situation. Remember, your role is to be a steady, compassionate presence in her life. Let her know you are there for her whenever she needs you, but also give her space when she requests it. Remind her of her strength and resilience. Your care and understanding can make a significant difference in her healing journey.

Thank you for this question that I am sure many others have. You are not alone.

Question 10

When I was a child, my parents repeatedly forced enemas on me. I remember screaming and begging to stop then finally giving in, freezing and dissociating. I've only recently (30 years later) had the courage to recall this memory, of which I used to have flashbacks that made me sick. My parents are nice people, but I feel like I am a survivor of a kind of sexual abuse. Can you help me understand what happened to me?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. First and foremost, I want to commend you for your bravery in confronting this painful memory and seeking understanding. Recognizing the impact of childhood experiences is a courageous step in the healing process.

What you've described - being repeatedly subjected to forced enemas despite your protests and distress - sounds deeply distressing and violating. The fact that you recall screaming, begging, and then dissociating (a common trauma response) underscores the emotional impact of these experiences.

It's important to note that without knowing your full medical history, it's unclear whether the enemas were medically necessary. In some cases, invasive procedures may be warranted for a child's health and well-being. However, even if the enemas were medically justified, your feelings of fear, powerlessness, and violation are still valid. A procedure can be both necessary and traumatic, and your emotional response and the harm associated with these experiences deserves to be acknowledged and respected.

If you feel safe and comfortable doing so, it may be helpful to share your feelings with your parents and ask for more information about the circumstances surrounding these events. Understanding the context and medical reasoning behind the enemas might provide some clarity and help you process the experience. However, it's important to prioritize your own emotional safety and only have this conversation if you feel supported and ready.

The flashbacks and physical sickness you mention are common symptoms of unresolved trauma. When our bodies and minds are overwhelmed by a distressing experience, the memory can get "stuck" in our nervous system, causing intrusive thoughts, sensations, and emotional reactivity. This is especially true for traumas experienced in childhood, when we lack the resources and context to fully process what's happening to us.

Please know that your feelings and the long-term impact of these experiences are valid, regardless of the medical necessity of the enemas. You deserved to have your boundaries and bodily autonomy respected, and it's not your fault that they weren't. It sounds like harm occurred here and you deserve to seek help to heal from that harm.

Healing from childhood trauma is a highly personal journey that often benefits from professional support. I encourage you to seek out a therapist who specializes in childhood trauma and medical trauma. They can provide a safe space to process your memories, validate your experiences, and work with you to develop coping strategies for managing symptoms. They may also be able to get into more specifics with you surrounding whether or not what you experienced was abuse.

Thank you so much for this question and I am sorry that I cannot provide more guidanc. However you define your experience, you are welcome here. You are not alone.

Question 11

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this extremely difficult question. Please know you are not alone and this does not invalidate the trauma you experienced. Arousal during sexual assault is a possible, but involuntary physiological response that does not imply consent or enjoyment. Resist the feelings of shame and self-blame that you are feeling. It is not your fault and your experiences are valid.

Survivors can experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, especially if they believe they experienced sexual arousal. Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. Arousal can be caused by fear, excitation transfer, nerve stimulation, or other factors. It is possible that your body's natural response to physical stimulation was triggered during your experience, even if those feelings are not wanted or desired.

To bring forward some research, of those who report sexual violence, it is estimated that around 1 in 20 people also describe experiencing orgasm. But the true numbers are likely much higher. For example, in a 2004 review paper, a clinician reports, “I (have) met quite a lot of victims (males) who had the full sexual response during sexual abuse…I (have) met several female victims of incest and rape who had lubrication and orgasm.” This further emphasizes that this is something many people struggle with, and there is nothing to be ashamed of.

If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. I know it can feel embarassing to bring this up to your therapist, but if they have a background in sexual trauma, this is probably something they have heard before from other clients. Trained mental health providers can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions. If you feel your therapist will not understand, perhaps you would benefit from some complementary support from others who are more knowledgable about the diverse ways trauma and violence can manifest. You do not need to go through this alone.

Thank you for asking this tough question. We are here for you if you need us.

Question 12

How do I understand why something triggers me?

Accepted Answer

Highly emotional & stressful experiences “trigger” a part of the brain called the amygdala. Usually, the amygdala is helpful and works to keep us safe from dangerous situations by activating a fear response.

After a traumatic experience, the amygdala can become overactive, causing fear responses even if you are not in any danger. Your reaction may be to fight, flee, or freeze, interfering with daily tasks and functioning, even if you’re in a completely safe situation.

Sometimes triggers are more obvious—like seeing violence on a tv show or hearing about it on the news. It makes sense why watching or hearing something traumatic would bring up memories or feelings from your own trauma.

Other times, triggers can feel more subtle or hard to anticipate. They can include just about anything--from hearing a song, to hugging someone, to smelling something, to the way a piece of fabric or clothing feels, or even just going to a doctor’s appointment.

While triggers can feel isolating & scary, especially when they happen in public or around other people, know that you are not alone. Over two-thirds of survivors of sexual assault report experiencing triggers.

Over time you can identify the situations that might trigger you. Anticipating these situations and learning relaxation strategies can make it easier to cope with them. While it feels good to avoid triggers in the short-term, it’s not always possible to predict all potential triggers.

Experiencing a trigger in a safe situation that does not pose danger & coping with it, can help your amygdala re-learn that these cues aren’t actually signs of real danger. This process can help decrease the intensity & frequency of triggers over time.

Many survivors of trauma or viσlence will notice an improvement in post-traumatic symptoms naturally over time. For others, these symptoms might not improve on their own & can interfere with their daily lives.

If you notice that your triggers are affecting you & not improving, you might consider reaching out to your social network for support or consider seeking professional help to navigate recovery. You know yourself best & what type of support sounds right to you.

Question 13

I was sexually coerced by a friend of mine. I feel so guilty for avoiding him and feel as though I am doing the wrong thing, but I oscillate between hating him and not wanting him to feel bad/excluded. I hate feeling this way. Is this normal after assault by a friend?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for this question. It can be so difficult to navigate situations when we are in social circles with people who have caused us harm in the past.

The feelings you are feeling, while challenging, are not uncommon for people who have experienced sexual coersion the way you have. Survivors of sexual coercion and assault often feel conflicted and confused about their feelings towards the person who harmed them, especially if they knew them beforehand.

Your feelings are absolutely valid. While it is natural to feel some guilt, you have the right to make choices that prioritize your safety and well-being. Avoiding the person who sexually coerced you is a completely understandable response, and it's okay to take steps to protect yourself.

We hope this goes without saying, but it is NOT your fault what happened to you. Consent needs to be clear and enthusiastic for it to be valid. No matter what the circumstances were, no one has the right to touch you without your consent. It's not your responsibility to make this person feel better or to justify your choices to anyone else. But we understand that this is a challenging situation to navigate.

It is hard to say whether or not this person knows the extent of the harm they caused. And it is up to you whether or not you feel comfortable telling them about that harm. At the end of the day, you need to do what is right for you and your healing. There is no right or wrong answer, but do not sacrifice your comfort for theirs. Your feelings matter too.

Thank you again for reaching out to us. We are here for you every step of the way. You are not alone.

Question 14

How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

Healing from trauma is not a linear process, and it’s common and completely normal to have days that feel a lot worse than others. Having a bad day does not mean you are not improving. It does not mean that you are getting worse.

If you take a step back and think about where you were when you first began your healing process, it can help you see the larger picture and find the improvements you have made and the growth you’ve experienced.

Throughout recovery, it’s important to be kind to yourself. Some days will be easier than others and some days will be harder. You do not have to hold yourself to the same standards and expectations as your best day. It is okay to be gentle with yourself, to prioritize your mental well-being, and to take it easy—if you are able.

Try to engage in an activity that you enjoy or that has helped you feel better in the past when you’ve had a difficult day. This could be a calm or relaxing activity like reading a book or watching a tv show, it could also be an opportunity to express how you are feeling through art or writing.

If talking to other people is your preferred way to relax and feel better, reach out to a friend, partner, or someone who you trust. It is okay to reach out for help on a difficult day.

Even years into recovery, it’s normal to have a bad day pop up unexpectedly now and again. Sometimes a triggering experience can set off a bad day, but other times they just appear out of the blue.

However, the further you get into your recovery journey, the stronger you become at recognizing the signs that a difficult day is happening. You become more resilient and able to cope with the feelings and challenges that accompany a bad trauma day.

Question 15

How do I know if I was coerced into having sex?

Accepted Answer

First, it is important to remember that your feelings are valid and that only you can define your experience. If you have ever felt pressured or obligated to engage in sexual activities, however, you may have experienced sexual coercion.

Sexual coercion can occur on a spectrum.  By definition, sexual coercion is “the act of using pressure, alcohol or drugs, or force to have sexual contact with someone against their will” and includes “persistent attempts to have sexual contact with someone who has already refused.”

Sexual coercion can look different depending on the situation. Examples can include someone saying “You would do it if you loved me” or “You owe me.” Sexual coercion can also involve giving you drugs and alcohol to loosen up your inhibitions.

Anyone can be sexually coercive - a significant other, boss, friend. However, sexual coercion often results from some sort of power imbalance, whether it is your landlord offering an alternative to paying rent or your partner threatening a breakup.

No one has a right to your body, even if you are in a relationship or have previously consented to sex with this person. If your partner is constantly demanding sex, manipulating your birth control, or not relenting until you give in, this may also be considered sexual coercion.

Being coerced into sexual activities is manipulative and could even be considered abusive. When it comes to sexual activities, remember that you deserve to have a voice and should not have to do anything you don’t want to do.

In a healthy relationship, consent is an ongoing process. Establish boundaries with your partner early and try to be clear, honest, and direct if you don’t want to do something. If your partner is not listening to you, that may be a sign that you should leave the situation.

No matter what the situation is, it is okay to feel confused or upset. If you need more help figuring out if what happened to you is coercive, talk to a trusted professional. We believe you and you do not need to go through this alone.

Question 16

How do I disclose my trauma to my friends and family?

Accepted Answer

It can feel really daunting to talk about your trauma history with those close to you. The first thing to remember is that your story is yours and yours alone. Whether you want to tell important people in your life immediately, much later, or not at all is your choice. If you’re feeling ready to tell someone about what happened, here are some things to think about.

What you share about your story is completely up to you. Even if the person you disclose to asks for details, it may just be because they do not know what to say and want to understand. Still, just because someone asks doesn’t mean you need to say more than you planned. Example wording to use could be “I wanted to tell you what happened to me but I don’t feel comfortable sharing any details right now.”

The way you choose to tell someone is also up to you. It can be in-person, over the phone, or in a letter. There are benefits and drawbacks to all options but only you know what will work for you. No matter how you choose to tell someone, it is a good idea to set some ground rules first.

If you choose to disclose in person, timing and location is important. You want to ensure the person can give you their full attention and have time to process afterwards. Thus, if the person is about to run out the door, go to sleep, or is intoxicated, consider waiting for a better time. If you feel safe with the person you are disclosing to, choose a private, quiet place to talk. If you fear they might become angry or violent, a public location may be safer and you might want to have support on standby.

You deserve to feel heard and understood when telling your story. However, not everyone responds well to disclosures and the conversation may not go the way you hope. The person you tell may feel many emotions. While this is normal, it can shift the conversation away from you and onto them. The person you disclose to might also express doubt or blame. This says more about them than you. Resist the urge to internalize these responses.

If someone in your life isn’t supportive, that doesn’t mean that others won’t be. Research shows finding at least one trusted support can really help the healing process. It is also important to note that even if the conversation does go well, it can still be an emotional experience. Thus it is important to take care of yourself afterwards no matter what the outcome.

There are many people out there who love and care about you. You are not alone. If you want to practice telling your story of trauma or healing anonymously, and learn from the disclosures of others, go to ourwave.org. We see you. We hear you. We believe you.

Question 17

So how do you heal from trauma?

Accepted Answer

While there is no simple answer to this question, here is a summary of what we discussed this week that may help.

First, safety and security is an important foundation to trauma recovery. If you are able, separate yourself from locations or people that trigger painful memories or perpetuate abuse. Establish a safe and nurturing environment to provide a strong foundation and minimize harm that can occur when you do not have a safe place to heal.

Next, build your support network. This can be people in your personal life, trusted professionals, or a community of survivors. Processing trauma can be challenging at times, and is important to have people to fall back on to encourage you to keep going even when things get tough.

When you feel ready to tell your story, it may be time to disclose and process your traumatic experience. We suggest doing this with a trained professional, but you can also seek out educational materials on your own, engage in journaling or other self-reflection activities, or share your experience with a trusted friend or family member.

With the help of these modalities, challenge your negative internal dialogue that may be telling you that you are to blame or that perpetuates feelings of shame related to your experience. Recognize that violence is systemic and no matter what event occured, it is never your fault.

If you experience challenging negative thoughts or symptoms, experiment with self-soothing and coping strategies to find what works for you. Learning to manage your emotions or symptoms can help you feel like you have more control over your life and future.

Finally, look inwards with curiosity to reconnect to your true self as you find things that make you feel capable, hopeful, and powerful. While your trauma may always be a part of you, as you find more things that hold meaning to you, it will slowly become less central.

Healing is an active process. It may be painful at points and you may have setbacks, but it is possible. Set goals for yourself, acknowledge small victories, and let people in. You deserve so much more than what you have experienced. Thank you for engaging in our healing week with us. We are here for you always.

Question 18

I think I might've been groomed and sexually abused as a child, but my memory feels very scrambled. I feel guilty for thinking I might've been assaulted, what do I do?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this question.

To start, you are not alone. It is quite common for individuals who are processing childhood trauma to feel guilt, shame, and confusion. It is also common for survivors to not want to believe what happened to them was real, or for them to have memory gaps surrounding certain details of these events. Only you know what you have experienced, but here are some of our thoughts below.

If you think you experienced sexual abuse as a child, remember in its simplest form, child sexual abuse is any sexual encounter that occurs between a child and an older person (as children cannot legally consent to sexual acts). This abuse may involve contact, like touching or penetration. It also includes non-contact cases, like "flashing" or child pornography. The age under which one is considered a child varies by state and sometimes an age differential between the perpetrator and the victim is required.

Labeling your experience is up to you, but for many, putting a name to it allows them to more effectively deal with the feelings they are experiencing in the aftermath. Others would rather not label their experiences and prefer to spend their time looking forward. This is also a strategy you may consider, as long as you feel safe now and the memories you are having are not causing you any distress. Be sure you are not suffering in silence. There are people out there who can support you.

Grooming is when someone builds a relationship, trust, or emotional connection with a young person or their family so that they can manipulate, exploit, and abuse them. Signs of grooming often include:

1. Targeting the young person

2. Building trust with the young person and their family

3. Isolating the young person

4. Initiating sexual abuse and securing secrecy

If this sounds like what you experienced, then it would make sense why you feel so confused. Remember no matter what happened, it is never your fault. Honor the feelings you are having.

It is also not uncommon for memories of childhood trauma to emerge in adulthood and for you to want to seek help for this experience now. In fact, around 70% of child sexual abuse cases are thought to be disclosed during adulthood. Survivors of childhood sexual abuse often have difficulties speaking up about their experience and remembering exact details. Sometimes ‘forgetting’ becomes your brain’s way of surviving and coping.

If you are now remembering scattered details or having vivid memories, it might make sense to try to work through those with a trained mental health professional. If you are unable to make sense of the memories you have, or have blocks of time where you have no memory at all, you may also want to work with a mental health professional to try to retrieve those memories when you are ready. You will want to find a therapist who specifically specializes in trauma or posttraumatic stress disorder. You could also reach out to your local rape crisis center. These centers are typically free of charge and can direct you to resources to support you. Once you have some more answers, you can then decide what you would like to do next.

If you have additional questions or want to begin talking through your experience now, you can reach out to the National Sexual Assault Hotline which is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week: Terms of Service - Online Hotline (rainn.org) . They will listen to what you have to say and will direct you to resources in your local area.

It can be very disorienting to process a traumatic experience that happened when you were a child. While the feelings that you are having are not uncommon, it does not make them any less painful. Resist the guilt you may be feeling. You deserve to feel safe and to be supported in your healing journey. Trust your gut and honor all the emotions that come along the way. Recognize you have a community of survivors behind you. You are not alone.

Question 19

How can someone become an effective advocate against sexual violence?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question and for wanting to strengthen your advocacy for survivors of sexual harm. Becoming an effective advocate against sexual violence is a meaningful way to support survivors and contribute to positive change in society. Here are some ways you can start...

Educate yourself thoroughly about sexual violence, consent, and survivor experiences. This includes understanding the various forms of sexual violence, its prevalence, and its impact on individuals and communities. Stay informed about current issues, laws, and policies related to sexual violence.

Learn to be a supportive listener and ally to survivors. Believe survivors when they disclose their experiences and avoid judgmental or victim-blaming language. You never know when a survivor is listening. Understand that each survivor's journey is unique, and respect their choices in how they deal with their experiences.

Challenge myths and misconceptions about sexual violence when you encounter them. This might involve correcting misinformation in conversations, on social media, or in other public forums. Call out victim blaming when you hear it. Be prepared to have difficult conversations and to explain complex issues in accessible ways.

Support organizations working to prevent sexual violence and help survivors. This can involve volunteering, donating, or participating in awareness-raising events. Look for local rape crisis centers, domestic violence shelters, or national organizations that may need support. Quick plug: small, volunteer-led, non-profit organizations like ourselves always benefit from monetary support or volunteer support if you have gifts or talents you think align with our mission and vision. Every little bit helps.

Promote healthy relationships and consent education in your community. This could involve advocating for comprehensive sex education in schools, organizing workshops on consent and healthy relationships, or simply modeling respectful behavior in your own relationships.

Speak out against attitudes and behaviors that contribute to a culture of sexual violence. This includes challenging sexist jokes, calling out harassment when you see it, and promoting gender equality in all areas of life.

Engage with local and national policy-making processes. Write to your representatives about legislation related to sexual violence, attend town hall meetings, or join advocacy groups that lobby for policy changes.

Use your specific skills or platform to raise awareness. Whether you're a writer, artist, educator, or business professional, find ways to incorporate advocacy into your work and daily life.

Practice self-care and set boundaries. Advocacy work can be emotionally challenging, so it's important to take care of your own wellbeing to avoid burnout.

Remember, effective advocacy is often about consistent, long-term efforts rather than grand gestures. Every action, no matter how small, contributes to creating a culture that supports survivors and works to prevent sexual violence.

Question 20

Can you recommend resources and books on healing from sexual abuse?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. There are several valuable books and resources available that can support your healing journey from sexual abuse. Some books we recommend include:

"The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk explores how trauma affects the brain and body, offering insights into treating traumatic stress and new paths to recovery. It provides a comprehensive look at the nature of trauma and its impact on our physical and mental well-being.

Judith Herman's "Trauma and Recovery" is a groundbreaking work that examines the healing process of survivors and the challenges faced by those dealing with prolonged, repeated trauma. It offers a framework for understanding trauma and a roadmap for recovery, making it a valuable resource for many survivors.

"The Courage to Heal" by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis is a comprehensive guide specifically for survivors of child sexual abuse and their loved ones. It provides practical tools, exercises, and personal testimonies to support the healing journey.

For those looking to understand the broader context of sexual violence and advocacy, Tarana Burke's "Unbound: My Story of Liberation and the Birth of the Me Too Movement" offers powerful insights. Burke shares her personal journey from victim to survivor to activist, detailing the origins of the Me Too movement and exploring the importance of community in addressing sexual violence.

Chanel Miller's memoir "Know My Name" also provides a searing, eloquent account of trauma, healing, and the challenges within the justice system in handling sexual assault cases. Miller reclaims her identity after being known as "Emily Doe" in a high-profile sexual assault case, offering a profound exploration of the recovery process.

In addition to these books, online resources like the RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) and me too's Survivor Sanctuary website offer extensive information, support, and access to hotlines (RAINN) for immediate help.

Thank you for asking this question. You are not alone.

Welcome to Our Wave.

Questions & Answers

What are you interested in?

Topics

Is it normal to have confusion about intimate childhood experiences with a cousin who was two years older?

Why did my cousin and I touch each other's private parts when we were little? Is this normal or does it mean something concerning?

Can power imbalances exist between same-aged peers, even when there's no disability involved? How does a lack of sex education or guidance impact the overall dynamics in a child-on-child sexual assault (COCSA) situation?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

How do I understand why something triggers me?

I was sexually coerced by a friend of mine. I feel so guilty for avoiding him and feel as though I am doing the wrong thing, but I oscillate between hating him and not wanting him to feel bad/excluded. I hate feeling this way. Is this normal after assault by a friend?

How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

How do I know if I was coerced into having sex?

How do I disclose my trauma to my friends and family?

So how do you heal from trauma?

I think I might've been groomed and sexually abused as a child, but my memory feels very scrambled. I feel guilty for thinking I might've been assaulted, what do I do?

How can someone become an effective advocate against sexual violence?

Can you recommend resources and books on healing from sexual abuse?

Is it normal to have confusion about intimate childhood experiences with a cousin who was two years older?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

I was sexually coerced by a friend of mine. I feel so guilty for avoiding him and feel as though I am doing the wrong thing, but I oscillate between hating him and not wanting him to feel bad/excluded. I hate feeling this way. Is this normal after assault by a friend?

How do I disclose my trauma to my friends and family?

How can someone become an effective advocate against sexual violence?

Why did my cousin and I touch each other's private parts when we were little? Is this normal or does it mean something concerning?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

So how do you heal from trauma?

Can you recommend resources and books on healing from sexual abuse?

Can power imbalances exist between same-aged peers, even when there's no disability involved? How does a lack of sex education or guidance impact the overall dynamics in a child-on-child sexual assault (COCSA) situation?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

How do I understand why something triggers me?

How do I know if I was coerced into having sex?

I think I might've been groomed and sexually abused as a child, but my memory feels very scrambled. I feel guilty for thinking I might've been assaulted, what do I do?

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