To open the door.
Please understand that I am not good at English. There is a room deep inside now. In the past, when I thought of it, there was a door wrapped around a complex lock, but now it has become a room with very small lights. At that time, I was excited and tried to see the next gallery before my family. It was the most remote place in the exhibition hall and it was a little dark. Suddenly, something caught me from behind. My mouth was blocked and I couldn't say anything. What still doesn't come to mind is that I can't remember where my hands were without covering my mouth. I just felt like squeezing my penis when I first revived my memory at the counseling center. Without knowing how long it took, it disappeared into the darkness when my family began to come here. From then on, I got myself. I talked to me for the first time. "What happened to me?" "Did he cast a spell on me?" My curse began then. Everything felt different. My close school friends and teachers felt scary, and everything that followed me was scary. He suffered from an unidentified abdominal pain and vomited. Less than half of my academic performance came out, and whenever I had time, I cut the walls of my room with a cutter knife. It is no exaggeration to say that my life has lived to be liberated from this curse since that day. I have visited countless hospitals and consulted numerous counselors. Last year, about 12 years ago, I remembered being dissociated for the first time. I wanted to punish it so much. And that fact has not changed even now. And now I want to achieve my dream of ending this curse and achieving it without running away from it. Thank you for having a place to talk about this. I want to overcome it with everyone who came here.
4 months later
Looking at the top of the mountain,
Hello, I'm back here after a long time. Thank you for listening to my story and I wish you recovery. Today, I decided to write because I wanted to organize my thoughts. Since then, I've been looking for a lot of recovery. I went back to the hospital and met several counselors. Then, I got a recommendation for EMDR treatment. There was no one in the nearby hospital who could do it, so I'm going to a hospital far away.(I have to take the plane!) I thought I would get the therapy right away when I got there, but the doctor told me that the current anxiety level was too high to proceed with EMDR. So now I'm taking an unprecedentedly large dose of medicine. At first, I was quite scared, but I gradually adapted to the dosage of the medicine and now my anxiety has decreased quite a lot. And tomorrow, we'll go there again to discuss whether to do EMDR. This treatment is to open the lock of the nervous system containing negative emotions and allow us to fully experience and adapt to the memory. So before I start this, I have to make sure I'm safe. Actually, I'm a little scared right now. The sensation I always dream of in nightmares was so intense that the moment it was reproduced, my whole body was paralyzed and I couldn't scream for help. By doing this therapy, I will face the nightmare. There is only one thing I want to do. When the nightmare repeats, I want to shout for help. (or you could bathe in it. Maybe I want to do both.) I've lost too much since the incident. I couldn't do friendship, love, opportunity to become an adult, or do what I wanted to do. But what's certain is that the next page is blank. and We will naturally draw difficulties, overcoming, failure, friendship and love there. I won't be alone anymore. I send support and support to me and everyone who has been hurt here.
1 month later
Emergency but hope.
Hello, all survivors and supporters. I wanted to tell you what I went through, and I decided to write to cheer myself up. The EMDR was very successful for now. The teacher is very skilled and is enthusiastically helping me. It was a very strange experience. Unlike general counseling treatment, Rather than psychological communication with the counselor, it was conducted in a way that informed the details of the incident. and woke up the memory by stimulating my brain using some equipment, and spent those moments as if I were looking at the scenery on a train. Every moment the doctor relieved me and reminded me of the past. Then, it reminds me of scenes, physical symptoms, and thoughts, and it's like getting off the negative thoughts that eventually made me suffer at the station and leaving for the next station with positive things on board. ironically, this process is the safest and most difficult moment. The safe part is that there is very little chance of a conflict with a counselor. It's very difficult to talk about how I felt the trauma that was hard to say, and I've experienced it many times that I feel stressed or even offended. However, EMDR aims to induce my brain to adapt and overcome it on its own. Therefore, this is a work we do together, but it felt like I was doing it alone. It gave me a lot of strength and courage to overcome it on my own, and I was able to proceed with the treatment in a comfortable environment. The difficult part is that this work itself is nothing more than facing up to a scene that we don't try to think instinctively. So in the process, it brings very intense emotions, terrible scenes, and latent physical symptoms wake up. Therefore, at first, the doctor was worried about my high anxiety level, prescribed a lot of medicines, and encouraged me to spend every day in peace. Also, I think the ability of a doctor is a very important treatment. It is very difficult and ambiguous to define which doctor is good at EMDR. The doctor and I are neither too close nor too far away, and they use abstract expressions well so that I can calm down. I have yet to deal with very few cases related to sexual violence, and first of all, I have treated the relatively recent trauma I have experienced in my life-my sister's suicide attempt.Even the process was very difficult, but through this treatment, I was hardly affected by the incident.In fact, similar things have happened to my sister recently, and at that time, I was able to do what I wanted to do for my sister in EMDR-hug and encourage her. I was so happy. I had a headache, I get exhausted, and I feel anxious. Most of them decrease over time, but I can't describe how tired I was then. And that's how I am right now. As I gradually dealt with the trauma one by one, my most frightening incident began to wake up. My body is always lethargic now, anxiety and depression are very high, and I indirectly experience the physical sensation of that time as a dream. I feel like my body is paralyzed by electricity, and I feel like someone is holding my shoulder and whispering. I'm very worried about the fact that I've been able to generate very few positive resources over the past two weeks. Tomorrow is the day of treatment. The famous book "Victims no longer" I remembered what I said in the book. "Survivors often forget more important things than resources because they struggle to find resources. It is the belief that warm encouragement, courage to make it, and pain have an end." I think that's the best word for me right now. I've been trying to stay positive for the past two weeks. As a result, I felt stressed about things like exercise, home baking, and playing musical instruments that I had enjoyed(There is another trauma to music. I hope that will be all right, too). The frightening reactions that are happening to me now are proof that I am on the right track, and I think it means that my turn is finally coming. A very difficult time will come, but eventually a moment will come to overcome it. With that belief, I want to go to the hospital tomorrow. I hope I'll be at peace the next time I write. And if anyone is interested in EMDR, I would like to share some tips. As mentioned earlier, EMDR is a therapy in which doctors' skills have a great influence on success. Therefore, it is recommended that you seek a doctor on a strict basis. In Korea, where I live, there are about five certified therapists in the International EMDR Association, and I visited a hospital with three of them. And the doctor I chose is the only permanent member of the International EMDR. I think that choice was an excellent decision. Make sure your doctor is at least an authorized EMDR therapist. You must also ensure a very safe environment. Depending on the results of the test, rather intense drugs are used to lower anxiety, but that part must also be able to actively exchange feedback. And most of all. Trust yourself. You can get through it. We were born with the strength to overcome. I hope all survivors and volunteers will support my waves, and I will also be part of them and support other waves. Stay safe, thanks for reading my stories.
7 months later
New Start. It's been quite a while. The healing process has drifted away and it feels awkward to write something like this. One day I couldn't remember, I felt I had finally jumped over the mountain of healing, and that day was no different than any other day. A lot of things happened casually. There were few symptoms of dissociation. Sometimes when I appear, I quickly recognize it, and I deal with it appropriately. I started doing what I wanted to do little by little. I went out to get a driver's license and studied coffee to get several certificates. I also started Pilates. Most of all, I could enjoy practicing music again. The past times feel like lies. The past, when every day felt vivid, suddenly feels like a gray old time. And for the first time in my life, I'm trying to go out into society and do economic activities. It's a part-time job that I'm going to do for a while, but I'm so nervous and scared. It's probably relevant to be back here. I'm still scared of people. I'm afraid of unpredictable things and violent people. It also feels scary to be working under someone. I lack confidence in my handling, and all the results feel negative. Throughout the healing process, I couldn't afford to take care of my other wounds. I healed the case of sexual violence in my childhood, but I don't think I covered the damage caused by the numerous misunderstandings that occurred. The failure that I felt was due to my lack of ability, and the opportunity of society that was excluded due to illness, turned me into a failure and ate me up. I am now returning to the healing spiral. As 'Courage to heal' said, I'm living a life outside of healing and coming back feeling my hurt. Now I feel that I have to take good care of this fear. Now I know that crossing the hurdles is not a solution, saying it is just something you have to do. I've tried so hard so far. Doesn't it? Like when I first said I'd get EMDR, when I first thought I'd write here, Whenever that happened, I stood bravely with fear. And now the result has created a moment that I would never have imagined before. Start a new healing again. Let's heal this hurt that feels both sad and nostalgic. I'll do a good job well. May there be full of hope for survivors who continue to heal and those who walk on a new path again.