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Survivor story

#160

Original story

Message to a Survivor

After my experience, I felt like I had nothing. I had lost my dad due to a heart attack, virginity, good reputation, and pride. All in 3 months. It wasn’t fair. I wanted so very strongly to be done with everything. I needed silence. Where no one could ever get to me again. But here I am now, about 3 years later. I am in a successful job that I adore. I take care of myself, even though a few years ago I thought I was incapable of doing so. I am strong. You are strong. WE are strong.

Message of Healing

Healing for me is remembering. I find it very difficult to heal what is hidden. Until it was brought forward, I just had an underlying sense of embarrassment and irritation.

How does one even know what happened? It’s so far locked away. What if I’m making it all up. I’m so scared that I’ve painted a negative image of these people in my mind for nothing. But then again, I remember one thing clearly. Agony. Pure agony. As I felt helpless. And in the future when I felt unable to say no to any older or larger man, because it hadn’t worked in the past. Why would it start working now? As someone who believed that everything happens for a reason, I struggle to find any sort of comfort in that statement. It’s all messed up now. I know what happened. Maybe I doubt myself because I don’t want it to be true. After my dad died, there was no one left to protect me from these people. I was all alone. Living in a household full of young females. The only solace I’m able to find is that it was only me, not them. I was the one without a say. Whether I want to acknowledge it or not, I am a victim. Genuinely. Even if what I know physically happened didn’t, I’d be in the same boat. Harassed. I shouldn’t have met up with them. I should’ve trusted my gut, what my father taught me. But fear wrecked my common sense. Almost 3 years later and I am just now remembering what my brain tried so desperately to hide from me. I always knew there was something wrong with those experiences. But shied away from any sort of label. I am no longer scared of you. It is time to speak my truth. You. Raped. Me

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