#1342

Hi. I've never done this before but I'm doing it now, because I feel like it is the next step to healing? I'm not quite sure. But I hope I can get this all out to a point where you can understand. Whenever I was about maybe 5-7, and my brother was around 11-13, he would want to play a 'game' with me. I never knew what the game was until he touched me. Inappropriately. If this is too triggering for you, please click the safety exit. He would put me in sexual positions and tell me to stay there while grinding on me. I didn't know what was happening, but I just stayed there because I didn't want to disappoint him. As a kid I always wanted my parents and my brother's validation. It meant everything to me. But during this time I just wanted to make him happy, so I would let him. This would happen often and when I said no he pressured me and tried to persuade me. I always said yes. I wish I didn't, but I can't blame myself. I was only a baby, I was like seven or five, that's practically a baby. This stopped whenever we moved houses. But I always remember it and the aftermath it left on me. I'm now extremely hypersexual, and I feel disgusting about it. Everything I touch, everything I see turns sexual. I hate it. I absolutely hate it. I hate the taintedness he left in me. We have a solid relationship now, but I resent him for how I am now.