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Survivor story
#471
4 months later
Message of Healing
Epilogue: I am moving on. I found a tiny house for less rent in a woman's rural backyard where I will feel safe. Upon exploring what is at risk of becoming a pattern of being the target of assault, I got in touch with something with the help of my therapist. We suspect that there may be/have been something unconscious in my energy field that is innocent, naive, and too trusting, which attracts people who want to exploit me. I'm working on tightening up my energetic boundaries. Although I've been victimized, I do not identify as a victim. In fact, I am a warrior in this life and I will continue to fight for the exploited, myself included.
It is with sadness (and outrage) that I write this update to my previous story. First, I need to ask if there are other sisters here who find themselves in a string of assaults. Am I alone? Am I the only 60+ woman who has been violated over the span of 2 years? I hope so because enough is enough! After the attempted rape in 2021, I'm livid to report that something happened again. This time it cost me my home and I've been hustling to find another place to live. The thing is, it's not even the move itself as the main challenge, but the reason for it. Subsequently, I've been scrambling, a bit shattered and scattered in the wake of the incident. Here is the synopsis in one paragraph followed by the letter I wrote and sent to my landlord. You'll soon see why I wrote and sent the letter. My landlord cornered me in the bathroom when he came to check on a repair and he groped me. I filed a police report and let him know and reminded him of the 24-hr law of notice before entering the premises. I then received a letter from his wife stating I need to leave the premises. Of course, the eviction is not legit and would be deemed by any judge as retaliatory and illegal. Still, I am leaving my sweet abode because the landlord lives next door and I no longer feel safe there. Here is the letter. Please feel free to use any part of it to address your abuser: February 3, 2023 Dear Name, When you came to my home on Wednesday, February 1, 2023 to assess the bathtub faucet repair, something happened in the bathroom that needs to be immediately addressed. As you will recall, I was standing near the tub, turned away from you as we both faced the bath so you could see the new faucet. You then proceeded to grab me from behind by the waist and hips with both of your hands–and you would not let go. I had to struggle to free myself from your strong grip. This was a completely unwelcome, unacceptable physical advance that I experienced as predatory and sexual in nature. I was stunned and shocked by your actions and I clearly said, "No, no, no, no! This is not okay!” I tried to get your hands off me, but you did not let go until I was finally able to turn myself around. You were standing there with a grin on your face, blocking me from leaving. I said, “I am claustrophobic, so it’s time to leave NOW,”. It was only after some hesitation, you casually turned and exited the bathroom. I then tried to escort you to the kitchen door, engaging in distraction techniques in hopes of preventing you from touching me again. As a lifelong social worker and advocate for women's rights, I take such violations very seriously. Touching someone (as you cornered and gripped me) without consent is considered domestic battery, a misdemeanor. In order to protect myself from any future such incidents, I have filed a police report with details of what happened. Out of necessity, I am asserting my right to privacy as a tenant. In accordance with New Mexico landlord-tenant laws, you will henceforth need to give me 24 hours' notice of the need to enter my home or surrounding outside areas, and unless it is an emergency, you may only enter the premises if I agree to your request. You will only be allowed in my home if you are accompanied by Name A or if I am accompanied by Name B or Name C. There will be no more walks across my yard to get to the live trap or to enter the property that I rent from you without such notice and permission. I will place the live trap in the carport. In order for me to feel some semblance of safety, I also need you to refrain from entering or using my driveway and not go beyond the driveway border of rocks West of the carport. Please note that I was asked by the police officer if I wanted to initiate an official investigation of this case and if I wanted to file a protection order. I declined these options, at least for now. Instead, I informed the officer that I would communicate with you through writing first and, if you do not respect the boundaries that I am legally entitled to, I will have them reopen the case, which is number Case Number. It is an almost universal experience for women that when they inform men that they have been violated by them, the men deny that the event occurred and claim the woman is lying or crazy. I am neither. I am being 100 percent factually accurate in describing what happened on Wednesday afternoon. This sexual transgression is the third intrusive action on your part. It follows two recent occasions in which you informed me in person that you intend to end your life this fall. I was shocked by your announcement and considered it highly inappropriate for you to tell it to me, your tenant. When you told me of your “plan” I asked you if Name A was aware of it and you said she was. I told you that I would need to talk to her about it. The only reason I have not yet done so is because she has not been well and I did not want to add to her distress at this time. For your information, New Mexico law states that all residents are mandatory reporters and are required by law to call 911 (as a non-emergency call) to report any individual’s intention to harm him/herself or anyone else. I will refrain from doing that for now, but I am informing your wife and son of your intention, the method of which you would not disclose to me aside from saying, “there will be no blood.” Needless to say, informing me of your intention to kill yourself this year has caused me mental anguish and fear that Name A or I might experience the trauma of finding your body. Telling me about your unwavering desire to complete your suicide has interfered with my right to quiet enjoyment of the premises and has caused me to feel highly insecure about my housing situation. My hope is that you will acknowledge the inappropriate and unlawful nature of your actions on Wednesday afternoon, offer a sincere apology, and respect the parameters I have described above as an alternative to me having to initiate a protection order and an official police investigation. It is also my sincere hope that, out of consideration of your wife, family and me, you will reconsider your plans to end your life and seek professional help. Sincerely, Survivor
Original story
First of all, I'm so grateful for the good work you all do, and to be a part of the Me Too movement. Thank you so much! I have found the healing work from sexual assault (s) is tricky stuff, very tricky. The Me Too movement has certainly made progress in many areas providing platforms for women to do both personal healing and social justice work. Sadly, all that doesn't simply undo what's been internalized as we grow up and even as grownups. Like all of us here, I too have felt the hurt of internalized messages that pitted me against myself. Even as a feminist and activist who "does her work" all my adult life, those messages have really been something big for me to contend with. Being well aware of how we tend to internalize society's messages about us, which is even worse for BIPOC, you can imagine the shock I felt when shame and self-blame arose within me after I was sexually assaulted last fall. Because of the embarrassment and self-blame that showed up so strongly, there were very few people I turned to for help. The shame even wanted me to not tell my own therapist about what happened! Thankfully, a wise friend strongly encouraged me to tell my therapist about the assault anyway. She told me that silence is exactly how shame works and to not give it the power to cause me further psychological harm. Easier said than done, but I did end up telling my therapist, and am glad I did. I also found myself reaching out to sexual assault hotlines a few times, and the women on the other end were so kind and supportive. They reminded me that it was not my fault, that I/we always have the right to say no regardless of what led up to the assault. But calling for help was tricky too. I didn't want my local sexual abuse hotline to know that I called. Why? Shame. Blame. Embarrassment. It told me that I'm too old and should know better. Those messages had me feeling embarrassed and believing that I let the assault happen, could have prevented it if only... Another reason is that I facilitated a Local Event evening, a sold-out event, and donated all the proceeds to my local sexual violence service center. My phone number is still from the state I used to live in so instead of leaning on my own community's resources, I felt safer to have that distance from my own hotline location. The irony was just too much to bear. It's only been a year since the assault. My body has had a hard year culminating in a spinal injection for the herniated disks that happened from "the incident". I still can't practice my beloved yoga without reinjuring myself, an all too frequent reminder of what happened that fateful night. It could have been worse if I had not said no. I could have been raped and more greatly injured. Being pushed down and my body being twisted was bad enough though, and I still need to heal from the whole ordeal. I also need to do further healing work from all the rapes I experienced as a teenager. Since I've shared my story here, I'm beginning to feel that perhaps I will even be able to reach out to my local center for support. Much good will come of it. I've decided that I can trust myself enough to reach out. I know what I need and have been avoiding it, but as we say, I've got this.
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