Question

I'm visiting family and struggling with my grandmother's inappropriate touching of my body when she 'feels' my clothing. My parents dismiss this behavior as just her being 'weird.' How can I cope with this situation? Is there more to life than being afraid of relatives? I don't think they'll change, but are there people who aren't like this?

Answer

Thank you so much for reaching out to us. I am so sorry you are experiencing this distressing situation. What your grandmother is doing is not okay, and your feelings of discomfort and anxiety are completely valid. 

First and foremost, your grandmother's behavior is inappropriate, regardless of her age or familial relationship. It's not just "weird" - it's a violation of your personal boundaries and bodily autonomy and could even be considered sexual harassment. Your parents' dismissal of this behavior is not appropriate or helpful.

You should not have to police what you wear or feel unsafe around family members. It's not your responsibility to prevent this behavior by changing your clothing choices. The responsibility lies entirely with your grandmother to respect your boundaries and personal space.

Please know that not everyone is like this. Most people respect others' boundaries and personal space, especially within families. Your grandmother's behavior is not normal or acceptable, and you deserve to feel safe and comfortable around your relatives.

While it should not be your responsiblity to do so, here are some suggestions for coping with this situation...

If you feel safe doing so, firmly tell your grandmother to stop touching you. You have the right to say no to unwanted touch, even from family members. Be direct and firm using "I" statements to express your discomfort. For example, you could say, "Grandma, please don't touch me. I'm not comfortable with that," or "I feel uncomfortable when you touch my body without asking." Practice saying no and setting boundaries before confronting her. Be consistent in enforcing your boundaries every time she tries to touch you inappropriately. 

Consider enlisting support from other family members who might back you up when you set boundaries. Create physical distance if verbal boundaries aren't respected - step back, move to another seat, or leave the room if necessary. Prepare a calm response to potential pushback, such as, "I know you care about me, but this is important for my comfort and well-being." You might also use distraction techniques when she asks to feel your clothes, like suggesting you show her photos instead.

It's also important to set boundaries with your parents. Let them know that dismissing your discomfort is not acceptable by saying something like, "When you brush off Grandma's behavior, it makes me feel unsupported and unsafe." Another option might be to consider writing a letter to your parents explaining how this behavior affects you. Sometimes it's easier to express these feelings in writing. If none of these options seem reasonable, if possible, try to avoid being alone with your grandmother so that you always have a second set of eyes on the situation.

Remember that this is not your fault, and you're not responsible for your grandmother's actions or your parents' response to them. There is absolutely more to life than being afraid of your relatives. As you grow older and gain more independence, you'll have more control over who you spend time with and how you allow others to treat you. Many people have loving, respectful relationships with their family members and chosen family.

If you're struggling with the emotional impact of this situation, consider speaking with a counselor or therapist. They can provide support and strategies for dealing with this difficult family dynamic. Remember, you have the right to feel safe and comfortable in your own body, and no one - family or otherwise - has the right to touch you without your consent. Your feelings are valid, and there are people who will support and believe you. Thank you so much for trusting us with this. You are not alone.