Question

I'm struggling to understand an experience I had when I was 17. A guy the same age as me was driving, while his friend gave me alcohol in the backseat. I became extremely incapacitated, slurring my speech. My best friend was in the passenger seat. The driver, who hadn't been drinking, moved to the backseat and performed oral sex on me and digitally penetrated me. I never consented when he asked, and I felt only pain, not pleasure. I was barely conscious due to the alcohol. Immediately after, I self-harmed for the first time in a long while. When I got home, I showered right away because I felt disgusting. I didn't think much about it until the girl who was there told me she thought it was sexual assault. Following this event, my mental health deteriorated significantly. I became suicidal and self-harmed frequently. I'm confused about how to feel because my old friend said it was both his and my fault, while my mom said the opposite. We were only acquaintances before this happened. Given that we were both minors and I was incapacitated, was this sexual assault? How should I understand and process this experience?

Answer

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. Wow...that sounds like a terrible situation. I am deeply sorry you experienced this traumatic event. While only you can ultimately decide how to label your experience, what you've described does align with the definition of sexual assault. Let me explain...

You were incapacitated due to alcohol and unable to give consent. Being intoxicated to the point of slurred speech and barely conscious means you were not in a state to consent to any sexual activity. You also mention that you "never said yes when he would ask," which also clearly indicates a lack of consent.

The fact that you both were minors doesn't negate the assault. While it may complicate legal matters, it doesn't change the nature of what occurred. Your physical and emotional responses after the event - feeling pain during the act, immediate self-harm, feeling the need to shower, and subsequent mental health struggles - are common reactions to sexual assault.

It's crucial to understand that this was not your fault. Being unable to resist drinking doesn't give anyone the right to take advantage of you sexually. Your friend who says it was both of your faults is incorrect - the responsibility lies solely with the person who chose to perform sexual acts on someone who was incapacitated.

However, it's important to emphasize that only you have the right to define your experience. While the situation you described aligns with the definition of sexual assault, how you choose to label or understand this experience is entirely up to you. Your feelings and perspective are valid, regardless of how others might categorize the event.

I strongly encourage you to seek support from a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma and sexual experiences. They can help you process this event and work through the mental health challenges you've faced as a result, without imposing any labels you're not comfortable with.

Remember, you're not alone, and there are resources available to help you. What happened to you was wrong, and your feelings are valid. Be gentle with yourself as you work through this, and don't hesitate to reach out for professional help. Coming to terms with things that happened to you in the past can be difficult, but sometimes acknowledging it can help you make sense of the challenges you have faced since then. Healing is possible. Thank you for reaching out to us.