Question

I was assaulted (a stranger was walking around me acting all weird and he grabbed my bottom). Part of my reaction is "I never want anyone to touch me there again," but another part is "What would it feel like if someone touched me there and I wanted them to touch me?" I think someday I want to experience intimate touch with someone I love and trust. Is this feeling my brain trying to help me reclaim my body? How do I reconcile these feelings?

Answer

Thank you for sharing these complex feelings. Your experiences and emotions are valid, and it's common for assault survivors to have conflicting thoughts about touch and intimacy.

The feelings you're describing indeed sound like a part of your mind's process of trying to heal and reclaim your sense of bodily autonomy. Your reaction "I never want anyone to touch me there again" is a protective response. Your brain is trying to keep you safe from further harm, which is a normal reaction to trauma. At the same time, the thought "What would it feel like if someone touched me there and I wanted them to?" represents your desire for positive, consensual experiences. This curiosity is a healthy sign that part of you wants to move beyond the trauma and experience intimacy on your own terms. Your wish to experience intimate touch with someone you love and trust in the future is a positive goal. It shows that you're not letting the assault define all future experiences for you.

These seemingly contradictory feelings are actually quite normal and can be seen as different parts of your healing process. It's common for survivors to experience a range of emotions, from protective avoidance to curiosity about positive experiences. This internal conflict is your mind working through the trauma and contemplating the possibility of reclaiming your body and your right to consensual, enjoyable touch.

To reconcile these feelings, it's important to first acknowledge that all of your emotions are valid. There's no "right" or "wrong" way to feel after an assault. Understand that healing isn't a linear process – your feelings may fluctuate, and that's okay. Consider working with a trauma-informed therapist who can provide guidance as you navigate these complex emotions and help you develop strategies for feeling safe in your body again.

Practice self-compassion throughout this journey. Be patient with yourself as you process these thoughts and feelings. When you feel ready, you might explore safe ways to reclaim positive experiences with touch. This could begin with non-sexual touch like hugs from trusted friends or family, self-exploration, or even massage therapy. Remember, you have control over your body, and in future intimate situations, you get to decide what touch is okay and what isn't.

Your curiosity about positive touch is a hopeful sign. It suggests that part of you is looking towards a future where you can experience safe, consensual intimate touch. This doesn't mean you need to rush into anything – take things at your own pace. Your journey is unique, and it's perfectly okay to have mixed feelings as you heal. Many survivors find that with time, support, and patience, they are able to experience enjoyable intimate touch again. Thank you for trusting us with this question. You are not alone.