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Living with Complex-PTSD caused by rape and other traumatic experiences

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I was raped at a party when I was 16 years old. I'm 18 now, and my psychologist told me I more than likely have Complex-PTSD, from this, and other traumatic experiences that happened beforehand. The first person I told was my boyfriend, who I started dating when I was 17. He's been very supportive throughout the years, and I'm very grateful for him. The first time we had sex, soon after he started getting sores, and joked that I gave him an STD. But I actually did. I started thinking about it, and set up an appointment for us to get tested. Turns out, my rapist gave me Herpes, and I gave it to my boyfriend (he was a virgin, so it wasn't him). I felt so guilty, and I thought he was going to leave me, but he didn't care. I would've understood if he was upset, but he wasn't. He still loved me anyway, and that healed some part of me. I kept the whole thing from my mom, but the hospital ended up sending her an email with my diagnosis, even though I told them not to tell her anything. I still have yet to tell her how I got it. She was very supportive though, as she also contracted Herpes when she was in her 30's I believe. I was very thankful she reacted well, and she gave me a hug and said she was sorry I contracted it, especially so young. After she left, I cried because I physically couldn't tell her how I got it. Now, I think I'm about as emotionally ready as I'll ever be to tell her. I just don't know how, that's why I'm writing this. My rapist was a 20-something year old man that didn't even tell me his real name, only a fake one. He was also from another state, so I've never seen him again. I will never get justice for what he did to me. I think that's the hardest part. My boyfriend and I have to live with his disease inside of us for the rest of our lives. He violated me in so many ways. I was disgusted with him, and myself. I was so depressed, I lowkey became an alcoholic. I had just started my junior year, and I couldn't go to school without drinking before. I just didn't have the balls to get out of bed without it. Then I realized, I was turning into my father, who passed from his addictions when I was 12. So, I made myself stop, but then I didn't want to get out of bed anymore. School was hell, and I ended up dropping out halfway through the semester. My abusive ex-girlfriend wouldn't leave me alone, and I had nearly succeeded in trying to commit suicide the year before, so I was already having a terrible time. This time though, I really thought I had ruined my life. I would've been expelled and sent to an alternative school for delinquents if I hadn't dropped out. But then, my grandma helped me start taking online classes, and I got my diploma. I even graduated a year early. Now I'm getting ready to start my first year in college studying psychology. So yeah. I'm not sure where my story ends yet, but I'm proud of how far I've come. I used to think I was better off dead. Now I'm thankful I'm alive, although my past still haunts me, especially so in my dreams. However, I've already been through so much so young. I know whatever the hell life wants to chuck at me next, I'll be able to get through it. I've always been strong and resilient, and I always will be.

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