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#591
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サバイバーへのメッセージ
I never thought I would get over the first rape I experienced. I was in bed crying, depressed and so often would breakdown during sex with other partners. It felt like the only thing on my mind and I couldn't be present otherwise. But with therapy and time I am in such a better place and have learnt so much and I love my life. You'll get through this.
いやしのメッセージ
Healing has meant being able to talk to friends and psychologists who validate and make the effort to understand. It doesn't mean being the person I was before all of this, but making space for the pain and moving forward without rushing forward.
My first time was sexual assault by a stranger. I have done a lot of work since then and recovered. It's been years since then and more recently I had a crush on a friend of mine. I ended up back at his house a month ago and I told him I don't want to have sex with him. Throughout the night he continued to try, degrade me and make me feel bad for not having sex with him. I am confused because each time I said stop I don't want to have sex he would keep stopping and say he respected that. But then we would start kissing later and he would try again. After trying a few times I got angry and said why do you keep trying after I've said no so many times. He said "what do you expect I am going to do when you're on top of me like that". I later had sex with him because I felt so guilty and I believed what he was saying. I feel sick and stupid about it. I have avoided seeing him. Recently someone we mutually know passed away and I have had to see him again. I avoided him and then I felt so guilty for avoiding him. I feel bad for him and I don't want him to feel bad. I don't like that I care so much about how he feels but a part of me thinks he just did not realise what he was doing and that it was wrong to keep trying after I'd said no. I don't know how to deal with this as I keep fluctuating between hating him and getting angry at those around me being nice to him and wanting to be nice to him myself.
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