Pregunta

I'm wondering if what I experienced at a party was sexual assault. I was extremely drunk, having downed half a bottle of vodka. While drunk, I got flirtatious with someone I met at the party. We held hands, and I touched their face and waist after asking for consent. We then kissed. The person was completely sober and aware of how drunk I was, as it was noticeable to everyone in the room. At one point, they said they were uncomfortable because there were too many people around, so they tried to take me somewhere alone, and we kissed there. I remember feeling dizzy, anxious, and nauseous. After the first kiss, they told me they didn't want to engage in anything sexual or romantic, so I took some distance. However, they then leaned in to kiss me again. The next morning, I regretted what happened and felt like I wouldn't have wanted to make out with that person if I were sober. I felt the aftermath of an unwanted sexual act. The person was avoidant the next morning, but I decided to get over it. Days later, I started dating my ex and told them about that night. My ex said it was assault because I was too drunk to give consent. They then told other people without my permission. The person who kissed me found out and verbally attacked me, almost threatening me and accusing me of spreading lies. They said it was my fault for getting too drunk, that I asked and begged them to kiss me, that I made them uncomfortable, and even accused me of things I didn't do. I'm confused about who's in the wrong and if it was assault or not. Is it my fault?

Respuesta

Thank you so much for trusting us with your story. Wow...the situation you've described is complex and understandably confusing. It's important to recognize that when someone is heavily intoxicated, as you were, they cannot give clear, informed, and enthusiastic consent. Engaging in sexual activity with someone who is significantly impaired by alcohol or drugs is a form of sexual assault, even if the person seems to be initiating or agreeing to the activity in the moment.

The fact that the other person was completely sober and aware of your level of intoxication raises serious concerns about their judgment and intentions. While you may have been flirtatious and initiated some physical contact, it was their responsibility as the sober party to recognize that you were not in a state to make fully informed decisions about sexual activity.

It's also concerning that they tried to isolate you from the group when you were vulnerable and that they continued to kiss you even after expressing that they didn't want to engage in anything sexual or romantic. This suggests a lack of clear communication and respect for boundaries on their part.

It's understandable that you confided in your ex about what happened. However, it was not appropriate for your ex to share the story with others without your consent. This is a violation of your privacy and your right to control your own narrative. In addition, the verbal attacks and accusations from the person who kissed you that night are unacceptable. It's not uncommon for perpetrators of sexual assault to try to deflect blame, minimize the situation, or make the victim question their own perceptions. However, their reaction does not negate your experience or your right to process and talk about what happened to you.

Your feelings of regret, unease, and the sense that you wouldn't have wanted this encounter if you were sober are important indicators that something was not right about the situation. It's common for survivors of sexual assault to feel confusion, self-blame, and conflicting emotions in the aftermath of the experience. Ultimately, however, only you can decide how to label and make sense of this experience. While it's understandable to seek input from others, such as your ex or current partner, it's important to remember that you are the authority on your own life and feelings. It's valid if you feel this was a form of assault, and it's also valid if you're not sure or if you prefer not to use that term. What matters most is how the experience has impacted you and what kind of support you need to process and heal.

Regardless on how you label your experience, what happened was not your fault. Being drunk does not make you responsible for someone else's actions or give them the right to take advantage of you. The other person, as the sober party, had the responsibility to ensure that any sexual activity was fully consensual and to err on the side of caution if there was any doubt about your ability to consent.

I encourage you to reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist to process this experience. It may also be helpful to contact a sexual assault hotline or support organization for additional guidance and resources. Remember, your feelings are valid, and you deserve support as you navigate this difficult situation, regardless of how you choose to label it. Thank you for reaching out to us. You are not alone.